Julia wants to know if Crosby got the goods on Jabbar. When Crosby yells at her for ruining his relationship with Jasmine and Jabbar because he demanded a paternity test, she thinks it is suspicious that Jasmine balked. She tells Crosby to just find some random DNA sample from Jabbar that he just has lying around the house because damn kids never clean up after themselves and she will contact "her guy". She has "a guy"? How many times has she been knocked up? And she just admits that so breezily. Excellent self-esteem, Julia Braverman. Crosby picks up Jabbar's toothbrush and eyes it warily.
Speaking of self esteem, Sarah Braverman has very little. She sits next to her brother Adam at a diner counter and bribes him with breakfast so he will keep hanging out with HIS NEPHEW. She thanks him over and over again and Adam finally stops her and is like, no really, he's a great kid and Sarah looks like she is going to drown in her own tears of joy that her son is not a complete fuck up. And the fact that he might be okay at sports is just an awesome silver lining. Faced with the overwhelming AWKWARD, Adam changes the subject to his teenage daughter's constant groping at the hands of Suck Up Steve. He just can't HANDle it. Heh. Sorry. Sarah helpfully theorizes that the more they grope in public the less they grope in private, which is nice. Adam looks horrified at the thought of what his daughter might do in private, so Sarah changes the subject to spare him the mental imagery. She asks about Crosby and with about twelve seconds of questioning finds out that Crosby has a kid named Jabbar and he is not telling anyone, not even his fiancée. Oh, but he did tell Adam. At the realization that two of her siblings know something that she doesn't, Sarah runs home, watches the episode of The Gilmore Girls where Luke finally tells Lorelei that he has a twelve-year old daughter, watches her reaction, runs back to the diner and then re-enacts the exact same scene for Adam. Line by line, methinks! Adam shrugs because he was just trying to honor Crosby's wishes, not get yelled at in a diner.
Julia and Sydney hit the playground, proving once again that Julia's priorities are COMPLETELY SCREWED UP. How is she going to make partner at this rate? She'll never get her billables up if she keeps, like, parenting. Sydney's domineering playdate, Harmony, is also at the playground and Julia recognizes that this is a Teaching Moment. So she starts screaming at Sydney, "Tiara!" like she is a drag queen with Tourette's. Sydney takes a deep breath and hesitates before asking Harmony if she can be the princess for once. Harmony says no, but Sydney perseveres and Harmony relents until she declares that the maid was just a princess undercover, grabs the crown, and stages a coup. The dethroning has upset Sydney who runs to her Bad Mommy for a hug. Harmony's mom helpfully notes that you can't make children what they are not. Strangely Julia doesn't sue her for slander right then and there.