Amber is waiting on the porch for her mom to tell her the verdict of her meeting with Mr. Cyr. Sarah claims that she didn't tell him the truth because she believes in Amber. Also, that she is seeking her revenge in other more subtle, but far more embarrassing ways. Also also, she wants Amber to write a paper on The Sound and the Fury just so she can read it aloud at the next adult gathering. Adam pulls up to drop Drew off and Sarah is pleased that Adam has stepped into the Father Figure role, but not in the creepy George Michael way. Don't get me wrong, I love the song, but would you want him singing it about YOUR kid? Please say no. Adam then gives Drew his glove and Drew looks touched and then Sarah looks touched. So touching.
Crosby decides to bite the maturity bullet and goes to ask Jabbar's mom for a paternity test. She is irked by this request, which actually seems like a pretty standard course of action to me. But I've never unwittingly knocked anyone up. She is also unimpressed with his foisting of the blame onto his sister. She hasn't asked him for money or a kidney or anything. She just wanted her son to know his irresponsible and feckless father. No questions asked. She shuts the door in his face.
Kristina is re-stocking the toilet paper supplies in the master bathroom when she hears something. She open's Haddie's door and finds Haddie iChatting with Steve and she has wandered right into the iSight camera in her bathrobe and with toilet paper rolls. Awkward! She barks at Haddie to get off the computer because it is after 10:30. Haddie hangs up with Suck Up Steve, who, of course, is all too willing to comply with a parent's request. She then starts haranguing her mother and suggests she take a parenting lesson from Steve's parents and give her some privacy. No way! Privacy leads to pregnancy leads to not going to Harvard. EVERY TIME.
Julia wants to know if Crosby got the goods on Jabbar. When Crosby yells at her for ruining his relationship with Jasmine and Jabbar because he demanded a paternity test, she thinks it is suspicious that Jasmine balked. She tells Crosby to just find some random DNA sample from Jabbar that he just has lying around the house because damn kids never clean up after themselves and she will contact "her guy". She has "a guy"? How many times has she been knocked up? And she just admits that so breezily. Excellent self-esteem, Julia Braverman. Crosby picks up Jabbar's toothbrush and eyes it warily.
Speaking of self esteem, Sarah Braverman has very little. She sits next to her brother Adam at a diner counter and bribes him with breakfast so he will keep hanging out with HIS NEPHEW. She thanks him over and over again and Adam finally stops her and is like, no really, he's a great kid and Sarah looks like she is going to drown in her own tears of joy that her son is not a complete fuck up. And the fact that he might be okay at sports is just an awesome silver lining. Faced with the overwhelming AWKWARD, Adam changes the subject to his teenage daughter's constant groping at the hands of Suck Up Steve. He just can't HANDle it. Heh. Sorry. Sarah helpfully theorizes that the more they grope in public the less they grope in private, which is nice. Adam looks horrified at the thought of what his daughter might do in private, so Sarah changes the subject to spare him the mental imagery. She asks about Crosby and with about twelve seconds of questioning finds out that Crosby has a kid named Jabbar and he is not telling anyone, not even his fiancée. Oh, but he did tell Adam. At the realization that two of her siblings know something that she doesn't, Sarah runs home, watches the episode of The Gilmore Girls where Luke finally tells Lorelei that he has a twelve-year old daughter, watches her reaction, runs back to the diner and then re-enacts the exact same scene for Adam. Line by line, methinks! Adam shrugs because he was just trying to honor Crosby's wishes, not get yelled at in a diner.
Julia and Sydney hit the playground, proving once again that Julia's priorities are COMPLETELY SCREWED UP. How is she going to make partner at this rate? She'll never get her billables up if she keeps, like, parenting. Sydney's domineering playdate, Harmony, is also at the playground and Julia recognizes that this is a Teaching Moment. So she starts screaming at Sydney, "Tiara!" like she is a drag queen with Tourette's. Sydney takes a deep breath and hesitates before asking Harmony if she can be the princess for once. Harmony says no, but Sydney perseveres and Harmony relents until she declares that the maid was just a princess undercover, grabs the crown, and stages a coup. The dethroning has upset Sydney who runs to her Bad Mommy for a hug. Harmony's mom helpfully notes that you can't make children what they are not. Strangely Julia doesn't sue her for slander right then and there.
Adam finds Suck Up Steve and Haddie snuggling on the couch and immediately does his best to disrupt the arm-on-the-shoulder action before Haddie gets pregnant and has to raise his own grandchild. Haddie glares daggers at him, but he will not rest until Steve is at least ten inches from her. Finally he grabs his bat and balls and tries to get Max out to the ball field with Drew, but Max doesn't want to go. Adam promised him yogurt and HE WANTS YOGURT. He screams about yogurt for a while, but Adam decides to sweat this small stuff and holds his ground: BASEBALL. I have absolutely no idea why the two are mutually exclusive. Can't they just get yogurt and take it to the ballpark?? And do kids really prefer fro yo to ice cream? Anyway, Suck Up Steve attempts to help out by offering to take Max for yogurt, which infuriates Adam (suck up FAIL), but further endears him to Haddie. Adam angrily throws down his baseball gear and gets Max in the car. Drew is already at the field when Adam calls him to tell him that he can't make it today. Drew looks disappointed, but like he is used to disappointment, which is worse. So...why can't they just pick up the yogurt and take it to the park? Or pick up Drew and take him for yogurt? Whatever.
Sarah has apparently decided to spend all day in the diner. Now she is meeting Crosby there to express her disappointment in him for not sharing the existence of his child over pancakes. She gets right to the point and Crosby immediately crumbles under fake pressure. But then he thinks it was JULIA who told her and Sarah realizes that ALL HER SIBLINGS KNEW and her self esteem crumbles to dust and flies away like ashes in the wind. Crosby sort of apologizes for not telling her because, yeah, obviously he was going to tell her, but, you know, didn't. For some reason this appeases her and they are insta-friends. She asks him about Jabbar, which is nice, and he explains that he is a really sweet kid, a sweet smile, and curly hair. Sarah asks if he has told Katie, his devoted fiancée, about the surprise child. To his credit, Crosby looks slightly uncomfortable when confessing that he hasn't. Sarah tells him that in her experience as Lorelei Gilmore that he really needs to tell Katie now and just deal with the consequences.
Adam and Max have returned from the tantrum-inducing yogurt trip just in time to hear Haddie and Steve get in a big old fight over the merits of Love Actually!! Obviously this is a very exciting moment for Adam, but Haddie is in tears because Steve didn't understand the subtle complexity of an adult romance and wanted to MST3K the whole thing INCLUDING THE KIERA KNIGHTLEY SCENES WHICH ARE PURE POETRY. Better question, why is Haddie making her boyfriend watch a chick flick? They are called CHICK flicks for a reason! And, frankly, Adam should have been more concerned about their viewing material, because in my experience the only time a guy is willing to watch a romance movie is when he is expecting to get something something at the end of it. Just sayin'. Anyway, Haddie sends Steve home to meditate on his sins and play World of Warcraft for a while. She runs upstairs to cry while Adam gloats and Kristina goes upstairs to explain that in the future, maybe Haddie should stick to comedies and/or action films for movie night.
Julia has put herself in time out for her bossy behavior and is sitting on the back porch scraping the sand off her shoes. Her husband comes to find out how the power struggle went and Julia whines that it was awful and she made her daughter cry and she is such a control freak. Joel does not disagree and Julia instructs him to disagree, but he points out that telling him what to say does not make her less of a control freak. She concedes the point. And then she whines some more about being unspontaneous and a rule follower and no fun at all. Her dutiful house husband tries to come up with some examples of her being fun, but fails miserably. She goes inside to sulk.
Sarah comes home from a tough day at the diner to find her teenage daughter squawking about reading Faulkner and a teenage son engrossed in videogames, which in the eyes of most parents is only marginally better than his other favorite activity. She is surprised to see him, though, because he was supposed to be playing ball with Uncle Adam. He mutters something about Adam cancelling because he had to take Max out for ice cream. Sarah is appalled and indignant that Adam would abandon her son like that. How dare he? Oh whatever, lady, you could have been with your kid, but decided to spend all day at a diner. Pot, kettle, shut up.
Katie has decided to hold a little going-off-birth-control-pills ritual before... er, going off birth control pills. No really she is. She stands on the dock, holding up her birth control pill pack, closes her eyes, and shakes off all the birth control mojo that has been preventing her from getting pregnant. As she prepares to chuck the pills into the bay and sterilize all the fish, Crosby stops her, because: YES, THIS BEHAVIOR WOULD GIVE ME PAUSE, TOO. I mean, really? Also, h