Parenthood

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Brave(rman) New World
ow un-eco-friendly (and thus un-Berkeley) of her, throwing plastic-wrapped pharmaceuticals into a fish habitat. Also, how the heck did she get Crosby to agree to witness this Wicca-light, Oprah-heavy positive visualization exercise? Is she just living her best life? Anyway, Crosby stops her and FINALLY tells her that he had a fling five-and-a-half years ago and now he has a kid named Jabbar and he's known for over a month and didn't tell her. Obviously Katie is shocked, almost as shocked as when Sarah Walker broke up her attempted marriage to Luc in Brothers & Sisters and almost as shocked as when Luke told Lorelei that he had a 12-year old daughter named April that he knew about for two months. Katie quickly puts the pieces together and realizes that Jabbar is the kid Crosby brought to the studio a few weeks ago. The kid he denied, much like Saint Peter denied Jesus. She starts tearing up at the realization that Crosby is an immature dick who doesn't want the same things out of life. Then he reminds her that she was being a bit "psycho" about this whole baby thing and him not telling her was HER FAULT. PRO TIP (FOR THE GUYS): Girls LOVE it when you call them psycho. Katie gets it. She's not pushing Crosby anymore. She storms off to reunite with her true love: the sperm canister. Or to steal Luc from Sarah.

Sarah goes to yell at Adam about standing up her son at the ball field. She doesn't understand how Adam could do that to a kid! Drew has had nothing but disappointment and hardship and daddy issues. Adam counters with the fact that his kid has autism spectrum disorder and you can't just change plans on him. Hmm...d├ętente. Sarah rejoinders with a sad tale of woe inspired by a father who just wasn't there and left her son for entire weekends and abandoned at soccer practice. Adam parries by reminding her that all he ever wanted was to go to the park and play ball with the boys, but his kid is not normal and he had to go eat frozen yogurt instead. Sarah sighs that it almost seemed like Drew had a dad for the last few days. You know, Sarah, in the amount of time it took for you to come over here and yell at Adam, you could have played a few rounds of catch yourself. And, yes, you have no testicles that I am aware of, but being a good parent requires time and being there, NOT SPENDING ALL DAY AT A DINER AND FOISTING YOUR PARENTING ONTO YOUR BROTHER. That said, Adam COULD have brought Drew for frozen yogurt. You know what we need right now? Coach Braverman and some yelly aphorisms about family. Where is the patriarch this episode? The fact that they don't mention his absence only makes it weirder. Adam ends the war by mentioning that Drew is pretty good at ball and Sarah smiles. Sports uber allis!

Julia is hard at work on a weeknight finally wracking up the billable hours she needs to keep her job in this economic climate. Joel surprises her at work and explains that her mom is watching Sydney and she is coming with him. She points out that she has a brief due tomorrow morning, but he swears it's all taken care of. How could he have taken care of it? He petitioned the court for an extension on her behalf? He bribed a summer associate to write it for her? He threatened a paralegal? Whatever. He takes her for a little night swimming, but when they get there she pouts and says that the pool is closed. He smiles wickedly at her, because that's the point: He has planned her spontaneous act! Some light breaking and entering with a side of trespass will surely shake her blues away! She balks, but he boosts her over the fence. Ah, modern romance.

Speaking of romance, Sarah is hard at work slinging drinks at a very grown up looking bar. Actually it looks like a sad old man hotel bar that you would only drink at out of the sheer desperation that comes with being in a hotel bar in, say, Cleveland or Tacoma. She looks up from a pour to see Mr. Cyr wander into her watering hole. He came alone meaning that he can't even pretend that it was just a chance encounter or a random plan. So he settles almost shyly at the bar, fully aware that he is entering the world of Parental Flirting. He orders a beer and Sarah cards him. She discovers that he was born in 1983 and manages not to gasp audibly at her own indecency. She asks if Amber drove him to drink and he laughs and explains that Amber told him about the paper and gave him a new one. Granted it wasn't nearly as insightful or creative as the one Sarah wrote. Oh god, if anyone ever read my high school English papers and used them as fodder to flirt with me? JUST KILL ME BECAUSE I WOULD ALREADY BE DEAD FROM HUMILIATION. Sarah, poor desperate to be loved and approved of Sarah, however, thinks it is HOT. So she settles down to flirt properly. With her daughter's teacher. Again. But, Mr. Cyr? Just to be clear, he's no Max Medina.

Crosby has Jabbar's toothbrush in a plastic baggie. But he's not going to take it to Julia's on-call DNA guy. No, he's taking it to Jasmine to prove that he doesn't need proof. At that, Jasmine relents and suddenly "gets it" that maybe Crosby would like some evidence that this five-year old kid is actually his. Magic! She says Crosby should go ahead and get it tested, only now Crosby doesn't want to. The end.

Julia is listing all of the possible charges that could be brought up on her if she got busted trespassing. She could be disbarred! She could go to jail! Who would watch the baby! She is really a lot of fun to be with. Joel is very understanding (or deaf) and just smiles blithely and shoves her in the pool.

Kristina is making chocolate chip pancakes to cheer Haddie up after her bitter fight with Steve. But, when Haddie walks into the room, she is all giggles and sunshine and little birds are tweeting around her head. Steve admitted that he secretly loved Love, Actually but couldn't admit it in public because of his street cred. But once he got home and he could text her all his deep emotional connections to the film, all was good again. Adam makes a sad face out of syrup on his pancake.

It's time for another baseball game and when a pop up fly comes Max's way, he catches it. Braverman FTW! Everyone cheers, but not Drew, because he is not there. He is at home, alone, sulking. Not even jerking off. Adam pulls up in his car and hollers at him, but Drew rightly ignores him, because who needs all that disappointment and sadness, right? But Adam hollers again and Drew tosses aside the videogame, clicks his heels together in joy, and jumps in the car. Adam, Max, and Drew play ball in the middle of the night. Because that is what Bravermans do.

Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker would rather be watching Gilmore Girls. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.

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Parenthood

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