Party of Five
Great Expectations

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All Salingers, All The Time

Will and Holly are all gussied up, standing in front of a judge, about to be married. Bailey is serving as Best Man, and he's the only guest. Don't they need two witnesses, or is that just something they make up for television? ["Maybe in other states you do, but in California you only need one. Glark and I were married in the County Recorder's office in picturesque (not) Norwalk, and our sole witness was Darth Slacker." -- Wing Chun] The judge tells Will and Holly that "marriage is a solemn estate" and asks if they have anything to say to each other. They each glance around uncomfortably, and finally Will manages, "You look nice." The judge starts the ceremony, and eventually pronounces "William Bradley McCorkle and Holly Marie Baggins" husband and wife. Holly Baggins? I think they're making a movie about her brother, Bilbo. The judge says he'll go sign the papers. He pops back in and tells Will to kiss Holly. They look at each other and then kiss, awkwardly. Will keeps his eyes open the whole time. When they do more than a peck (and come on, they have to fool the judge, right?), Bailey clears his throat, like that one kiss is going to make Holly throw Bailey aside for Will. Insecure much, Bay? He pulls Will back and says, "Down, boy." The judge returns with the certificate, so Bailey, Will and Holly walk out to the hallway.

In the hallway, Will and Holly are still holding hands. Bailey asks Holly for a kiss "for the Best Man." Holly turns him down because the INS takes these things very seriously and they could be "anywhere." She points out that if they get caught, she'll get deported and Will could go to jail. Will gets all nervous at mention of "the j-word" and starts imagining that random people in the hallway are INS spies. He is especially suspicious of a janitor who walks by a cigarette butt without picking it up. Dude, maybe he's just lazy. Holly pulls Will closer, and the trio walk out of the courthouse. Holly glances down at her marriage certificate and reads the state motto of California, which is, "Everybody wants to be closer to free."

Charlie and Kirsten are inspecting the new crib he built for the baby. Charlie starts babbling about curved slats and safety. Kirsten wonders if they should be making things for the baby already, and says that this is why they haven't told their families yet. Because they have curved slats? Oh, she means because it's not safe. Charlie doesn't think making the crib could harm the baby in any way. Kirsten says he knows what she means, because things could still go wrong and it makes her nervous. Kirsten scrunches up her face like Charlie farted and it smells really bad. She says that having the crib there so early makes her feel like they are "tempting the gods." Kirsten is a pagan? Charlie thinks, "Silly woman, with your foolish ways," or that's what the expression on his face says.

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Party of Five

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