Party of Five
The Shortest Distance

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The Shortest Distance

Previously on Party of Five: The Salingers had a haunted house. Bailey did his best SNL Christopher Walken impersonation regarding Sarah ("Why aren't you calling? You could be in grave danger"). Victor said that she did call and Bailey listened to the message over and over again. Julia told her friend that she had no interest in Evan and he had no interest in her, but then later she kissesd him anyway. Claudia told Cameron she wasn't his girlfriend, but then later she kissed him anyway. Kirsten and Charlie decided to try to make a baby through in-vitro fertilization. Owen was apparently locked in the basement with Thurber, the dog. Did you know the Salingers have a dog? They do. He's called Thurber.

Breakfast at Casa de Salinger. Claudia and Julia are discussing Sarah's and Bailey's situation. Griffin comes in and grabs a muffin and Julia tells him that Sarah might not be coming home, ever. Will comes in and also grabs a muffin, and Julia fills him in too. Will asks if Bailey is freaking out. Claudia says that they don't know because Bailey has been upstairs since he told them, packing Sarah's stuff. They all kind of wince at that concept. Bailey comes in and it's really obvious that they were all just talking about him because they give him that really fake greeting that is way too enthusiastic for early morning. Bailey says that he and Sarah didn't break up, that they're just going to have a long-distance relationship. Also, he will go to New York and she can come there. Everyone just humors him by saying, "Of course, yeah, you bet!" Bailey realizes they are just humoring him and looks sad as we roll credits.

Kirsten wakes Charlie up by waving what looks like a strip of bacon in his face. She tells him that eating it will up his sperm motility. Charlie says he already gave up beer and he's wearing baggy pants. Let me just say that already this storyline has spent way too much time making me think about Charlie's testicles and I don't like it one bit. Anyway, Kirsten says that there is more he could be doing, like taking vitamins and wearing frozen boxers, and she tosses a pair of frozen boxers on the bed. All the men watching wince at the thought of frozen boxers. Charlie asks if the doctor recommended that and Kirsten says she read it on the Internet. Next thing you know, she's going to be telling Charlie that they are going to get a free trip to DisneyWorld from Bill Gates. Charlie expresses disbelief at the validity of Kirsten's information. In a bit of exposition, Kirsten reveals that their insurance doesn't cover the treatments, that Charlie has taken a second job to cover the costs and that she has to take hormone shots. With all that, she wants to make sure that they are doing everything they can to make each attempt count. Charlie sees the logic in that, and continues to eat his "bacon" which Kirsten reveals is actually dried snake penis. Instead of spitting it out, which is what any normal person would do, Charlie asks what she means. Kirsten says it's a Chinese fertility secret, and look how many people there are in China! To appease Charlie, she tells him they also get to have sex twice a day and Charlie is ready to start now. Kirsten says, "As soon as I get my shot, and you take a cold shower and finish your penis." Hee! She pulls her sweats down a little so Charlie can inject the shot. I know I've said it before but boy, she sure is skinny.

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Party of Five

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