Survivor
People That You Like Want To See You Suffer

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In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on Impatient Return To Boyfriend Dooms Woman To Exile: Raro was nervous about Brad's loyalty after Brad said that, in the end, it would be an individual game. As we've all learned, that is something that only gauche people admit. This is the time in the game when we pretend that everyone can win as a team. In other news, Nate's obnoxiousness grew by leaps and bounds, in keeping with the apparent size of his head. Candice and Jonathan schemed over at Aitu to reunite with the rest of the white people once a merge happened. (That's...what happened, and it's kind of how Jonathan said it, so what do you want?) Before the reward challenge, Jeff offered everyone the chance to jump tribes, and Candice was like, "Eeeee! Okay!" Because she couldn't wait a few days for the merge, and she needed Adam's meaty presence right this minute, apparently. Jonathan followed Candice, apparently in large part because he didn't know what else to do. So from there, Great Big Raro went up against Tiny Tiny Aitu, now composed of Yul, Becky, Ozzy, and Sundra. Tiny Tiny Aitu promptly kicked Raro's fanny and enjoyed a food and family reward, not to mention the opportunity to send Candice to exile -- maybe the most satisfying use of exile of all time. All of a sudden, Tiny Tiny Aitu was like Angus, and Great Big Raro was like Dawson Leery. Nobody at Raro really liked Jonathan, and after Candice went out of her way to start some shit, it looked like he might not last long at his new tribe. But when Raro lost again at the immunity challenge, it was Brad, the non-swimming "nancy boy," who bore the brunt of Raro's righteous anger and was voted off. It was also announced that Brad was the first member of the jury, so that's...extra-early for that development, obviously. Oh, and Joe R filled in like a champ. Who will be voted out tonight?

We hit the beach at Raro on Day 22, where Jonathan is climbing up a tree to fetch coconuts. "Who knew a Jew could climb a tree?," Jonathan asks, providing the title to what will undoubtedly wind up as a wonderful children's song about understanding throughout the world's religions. "Who knew a Jew could climb a tree/ Who knew a Catholic could plant a flower?" It almost writes itself, really. My favorite part is that Jonathan continues by saying, "...and get coconuts. And pandanus nuts, and tropus [or something] shells, and scallops and clams, alone in the wilderness." If he's climbing a tree and getting clams, I think that's remarkable whether Jonathan's a Jew or not, quite frankly. I think those clams would be mighty surprised to see him, as they would almost surely think they had found their way to safety. Jonathan calls himself "a wandering Jew without a tribe." Of course, he could have avoided this by not abandoning his old tribe, but I suppose that's a lot to ask him to remember all at once, while he's up in the trees catching fish. He tells us that it's "a mutineer's life," and as long as said mutineer's life is getting him lots of camera time, I'm sure he's entirely happy with it. He admits in an interview that he sort of regrets the "impulsive" decision to jump tribes after Candice. One would think.

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