Smallville
Perry

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Perry White Is All Right

Pete's convertible, out in the woods. Pete is unloading some camping stuff from his trunk. Clark answers his cell phone. It's Lana. Clark listens, and then tells her not to do anything. He says he'll be right there. Pete asks what's going on. Clark has to get to Saunders Gorge, like, right this second. Check. Clark starts to run, and then stops in frustration. Ha! He looked funny. "Your speed thing still out?" Pete yells. What do you think? "I got nothing, Pete, it's all gone," Clark says. He needs the love of a sexy bald man to go on. Pete offers to drive. It's a race against time! And endurance! And our patience!

The Gorge. Clark and Pete pull up, oh, about four hours later. Lana -- who made a point of going to get her pink coat earlier -- shows Clark and Pete what's up: Perry is standing up on the rail. She says Perry pretended to be sick on the way to the bus stop. He ran out to "the viewpoint" and got up there demanding Lana call Clark. High crane shot of Perry standing on the edge. It looks very, very dangerous. Lana warns Clark that Perry's really drunk. "Not unless iced tea packs a punch," Perry yells. Perry explains that he had to trick Lana to make the call so that Clark would come. Ahhh. It all makes sense now! Perry figures that Clark is strong, shock-proof, and incredibly fast. If Perry falls, Clark will save him. Makes sense to me. Clark wants Perry to come down from the ledge. It's not going to happen. Clark says Perry's wrong about him. Perry bets Clark will save him. "No! I can't save you!" Clark says, being honest for once. Perry says they'll find out. He leans forward and falls. Clark grabs at him, and they both fall off the ledge. We see a rope pulled as they go. Pete and Lana get up there, too. The rope unspools until it finally goes taut. Perry and Clark are hanging from the rope. Perry's holding Clark by the arms. The flask falls out from his breast pocket and sails past Clark. Perry tells Clark to go ahead and unleash those powers. "I don't have any powers!" Clark yells back. Why does this suddenly feel like one of the Lethal Weapon movies? Perry hangs, the rope attached to his ankle. They keep hanging. Dramatic music. Commercials!

You guys didn't listen to me last week about Scary Movie 3 and now look what happened. They're going to make, like, five more of them. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Back at the cliffhanger, Clark yells for Pete. He says there should be a rope in the car. It's Pete's car, how would Clark know that? Plus, Perry already has a rope tied to his ankle. Why not use that? Lana helpfully suggests that Clark hold on. And of course, the rope holding on to Perry is beginning to break. Of course it is. Lana yells to Pete that it's not going to hold. She's really helping out here with the standing and the yelling. She runs back to meet Pete halfway. Pete ties his end of the rope to the bottom of the car. Lana tosses her end down without looking to see if it's going to end up anywhere near Clark. She yells for Clark to grab it. The other rope is nearly broken. Clark manages to grab the other rope. Perry's rope breaks and he falls. He grabs Clark as Lana screams. He ends up with his face in Clark's crotch. Oh, so all this was just a ruse to get to here. Perry falls deeper into Clark's crotch (it happens) and ends up down around Clark's knees, trying to hang on. Lana signals to Pete to back his car up. He does. Clark and Perry get pulled up as Lana continues yelling at no one at all. Clark's hands begin to slip on the rope. Ooh, nasty burn. Clark yells that he can't hold on much longer. Lana yells for Pete to go faster. Backwards. Into the trees. Clark and Perry are pulled up. They reach the edge. They made it. Thanks, Lana, your yelling proved invaluable. Everybody's relieved. Clark and Perry collapse. Clark has blood on his hands. That must hurt like a bitch, especially if you've rarely experienced pain before. Perry is aghast. He's sweaty and looks guilty. Everybody looks at Perry. He looks like he may cry. I'm going to cry soon, too, because I don't think he's going to be on the show regularly.

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