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Perry White Is All Right

Bo and Clark exchange a look as Perry walks up with a devilish grin, wagging a finger at Clark. He says that, the last time he saw Clark, the farmboy was Frisbee-ing the car door and ignoring high-voltage lines. They shake hands. Charmingly, Perry says he was trying to figure out which of the four Clarks in front of him he should thank when they hauled him in the ambulance. Nothing's funnier than drunk humor. Perry shakes with Bo, who says he hopes Perry's feeling better. "Well, that's relative," Perry says. Cool. "Fine" would have been a cheap response. Perry says his car is crunched, he called the sheriff a "hillbilly cartoon" (dude, you should have seen the last one), he got a DUI, and got in trouble with his assignment editor. Perry seems remarkably chipper for having had such a shit day. Clark, keenly observant, says, "You're a reporter?" Perry says he was in a past life. Right now he's the advance man for X Styles, a TV show about the paranormal. Bo asks why he's here. Perry says he's investigating the meteor shower and the freaky stuff it spawned. Bo grins and does the skeptical thing where he acts like someone's crazy for believing that crap. How does it feel to live on a farm where the only crops you raise are lies? "It's right up there with the Tooth Fairy," Perry agrees. Bo suddenly likes this guy. He starts to think it might be all right to introduce him to his bovine friends. Perry notices one of the fence stakes leaning against some hay. "Don't you need tools for a job like that?" he asks Clark. Clark thinks tools are the devil's work. Clark changes the subject to ask why Perry came all the way out to their farm. Perry gets right to it: he wants to talk about a settlement for Clark's dumb ass being in the middle of the road and causing his crash. Before Bo can stress out too much about cash, Perry says he just wants a town guide to schlep him around. "You loan me Clark for a couple of days, we'll call it even," he says. Bo -- who wonders if he'll now need to get a big purple pimp hat -- exchanges a look with Clark. Thus begins Clark's career as a ho. ["'Begins'?" -- Wing Chun]

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is blabbing about the castle décor. Papa Luthor went for historical accuracy, but Lex is considering adding some modern touches. You know, some Mapplethorpe prints, the most darling chaise lounge chair he saw in a Pottery Barn catalog, maybe a Turkish bath area that replicates the one Lex used to go to in Metropolis. Lex even considers going abstract: is there an abstract work featuring two red circles that are supposed to be two men blowing each other? "Any thoughts, doctor?" Lex asks an older black woman who is clearly bored and not at all impressed by Lex's home filibuster. There's also something up with her eyes, but I can't quite figure out what. I'm going to call her "Doctor Unamused," because "Doctor With The Weird Eyes" would just be mean. Lex playfully says that the term for not accepting the inevitable is "Denial." He's carrying a class of orange juice in a tall, long, gold-rimmed glass. He says that no amount of probing (there's that word) can uncover emotional issues that don't exist. "Now who's in denial?" says Doctor Unamused, clearly unamused. Lex -- who's standing behind his desk chair is a passive-aggressive fashion -- says that he has nothing to hide. Unamused, with her short, severe haircut, asks Lex to tell her about the island and the imaginary enemy he was raving about when they found him. Lex shakes his head and says he was suffering from malaria. But no! You're wrong, Lex! You busted! Unamused notes, without a trace of humor, that she saw Lex's blood work and there was no sign of illness. They did find startling amounts of Sexy, though. Unamused says that even illness wouldn't explain Lex's reluctance to talk about his conflicted feelings about his father. Aw, shit, Lex isn't gonna cry and talk about how his pee-pee got touched when he was four, is he? Because that's exactly what this show needs: another whiny character who blames everything around him or her for his or her own problems and wears pink. Resist the pink, Lex! Do not surrender to the pink! Unamused tries to talk, but Lex interrupts her. He says that the insurance company demanded he have five psychiatric sessions, and their final hour is now up. "I'll miss our sessions," Lex says, with the subtext, "I so totally won't so much that you don’t even know, Miss Snooty Psychiatrist lady. Nyah nyah!" Lex's interior monologue is not quite as smooth and mature as the rest of him is. Unamused doesn't think this is funny. She gets up and walks out. Lex leans back in his chair and takes a deep breath after she's gone. Dominance. How sweet it tastes upon the back of the throat.

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