Pirate Master
I Want That Treasure

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I Want That Treasure

Okay, the first thing you need to know is that I'm not going to be writing all of these weecaps as though it's Talk Like A Pirate Day. I will not be gratuitously dropping in phrases like "avast, ye scurvy dogs" or "bucket o' blood' everywhere. Life's too short. And besides, I just don't think pirate expressions are inherently funny. My apologies in advance to anyone who thinks they arrrrrrr.

So the premise of Pirate Master is to see which one of the sixteen competitors would make the best pirate. The winner will be awarded a multi-million-dollar pirating contract -- which includes one heavily armed ship and a handpicked sailing force of cutthroat mercenaries -- and then be cut loose in the Indian Ocean to wreak havoc on commercial shipping lanes. Well, not really, but how awesome would that be? What will Mark Burnett come up with next? Mafia Hitman? Serial Rapist? Stay tuned!

For the Pirate Probst, Mark Burnett has tapped a fellow Aussie, actor Cameron Daddo. You may not know who he is, but I've actually recapped him before, if you can believe that.

So in the dark of night, the sixteen competitors row in a longboat out to a "pirate ship" called the Picton Castle, where Cameron Daddo greets them quite seriously and explains to them that it's a "working vessel." Which means they'll be working, I guess. He puts them right to work pulling on ropes, and the next thing you know they've hauled a treasure chest out of the sea, which Cameron claims is the "Chest Of Zanzibar." Apparently, it has something to do with a Captain Henry Steel, who supposedly divided his treasure into fourteen segments (for himself and each of his crewmen), and then buried it on an island and returned with two maps to each segment, which are now in the chest, so let's hope the chest is waterproof. Tomorrow, the ship is sailing for the island of Dominica. By this time, we've already met Louie (fishing dock operator and Rupert 2.0), Jay (an auto-parts salesman who compares his job to being a pirate, which I'm sure his customers appreciate), and Ben (musician, and very excited to be here).

Everyone stands around in someone's idea of period garb (which will involve, variously, pirate shirts for the men and sport bras and running shorts for the women, and of course headscarves for nearly everyone) and gets drunk on grog on the poop deck. We meet Christian (ex-NFL running back, known in his former life as the Nigerian Nightmare), Cheryl (a deputy D.A., not that she's telling anyone that yet), and a receptionist named Joy, who is rightly freaked out by John, who seems to think he's Captain Jack Sparrow but with a condition that prevents him from speaking in a normal voice And then John's subtitle outs him as "Scientist/Exotic Dancer," so clearly John is one to watch.

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Pirate Master

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