Pirate Master
Pirates, Guns, And Money

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M. Giant: D+ | Grade It Now!
Pirates, Guns, And Money

Cameron opens the paper saying that the new treasure was hidden by Henry Steel's master gunner, who had a thing for booby traps and snakes. Everyone groans, and then Cameron tells them to climb up on the starboard gunwale. He uses a flintlock pistol as a starter's gun to send them leaping over the side to swim to the island. I'm pretty sure it's a replica, because it doesn't explode in his hand. Cameron narrates that they're swimming through "shark-infested waters," and then they'll have to navigate a "treacherous coastline" to the jungle. Then they have to run up a mountain to a snake pit. While they're still in the water, nobody gets eaten by a shark, even a little bit. But Alexis complains that she has to help Kendra, a.k.a. "Little Miss I Need My Water Wings." So the Black Crew is first to land, with Azmyth leading them to the sabotage point. They get to drop a giant mass of branches across the narrow path just as Kendra is finally hauling herself out of the ocean. With some difficulty on Louie's part, Black reaches the summit and finds what looks like an exposed basement foundation filled with murky water and, of course, snakes. After Azmyth deciphers the clue to mean that a chest with some form of key is down there somewhere, nobody on Black wants to go in. So they spend the commercials staring at it, while Red has passed the sabotage point and is now gaining. Christian is bringing up the rear for Red. Yes, he was in the NFL, but he was a running back, not a running up, people. He's a big guy.

Nessa lowers herself into the snake pit with Azmyth as backup, and the water turns out to be not quite knee-deep. Okay, that's less scary. Louie gets in there too, and Azmyth hoists a sodden chest out of the murk. Meanwhile, Joy on the Red crew has fallen and can't get up. "I know she's got a lot of heart, I just don't think she's cut out to be a pirate," says Jay in all seriousness. I would just like to remind you that Jay is an auto parts salesman. Sean picks Joy up and starts bodily hauling her up the mountain.

Meanwhile, the Black crew (including someone's pixilated boobs) open the chest that contains a large "compass plate," which they have to put on a nearby "altar" and use a "compass spoon" that will point to the buried treasure. It works in theory, as a spoon-shaped bit of wood with a red metal tip swivels in what is presumably the right direction. But the Black crew is still trying to figure out exactly where to dig when Red arrives. Red isn't nearly as wimpy about jumping in, although Jay complains about Christian's weak snake-repelling skills, which seem to consist largely of saying "I've got the snakes" and standing there while pointing sticks at them. I see Jay's point, but I could have done without his mocking of Christian's Nigerian accent. And it's all moot pretty quickly anyway, when Azmyth finds the treasure for the Black crew. Looks like another week under Captain Joe Don. Huzzah. Louie points out in an interview that Azmyth was the clear MVP, while Joe Don didn't do much of anything the whole time. He's not wrong. You'd think that Joe Don's extra rest and hearty breakfast would have helped him to motor at least a bit.

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Pirate Master




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