Platinum Hit
Dance Floor Royalty

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
I Can Hear The Ooh-Ahhs


Weird Trevor: "Karen, your song was written as if by toddlers. I would not know where to begin workshopping that shitshow."
Kara: "Seriously, who the fuck is responsible for these lyrics?"
Johnny: "Maybe I am to blame."
Kara: "[Snore, snooze, sleep. That micromanaging thing she does where it's already over and there's no point in hashing out word-by-word but she does it because that's what's in front of her face and she's like that. On the other hand, her hair looks tons better right now.]"

Blessing: "I kind of helped."
Donna Summer: "It wasn't even a catchy kind of boring. It was regular style."
Blessing: "I can play any kind of music!"
Donna Summer: "Except this kind."
Blessing: "Isn't that a sucky coincidence?"

Jewel: "Not really. You have all this big band experience that you could have brought to bear on the arrangements, even the lyrics. But the real problem is that you consider yourself above dance music, so fuck you. I wrote a song once about selling out that I used to sell out, literally the video was me ironically getting my very unironic breasts soaking wet, while shaving my horizontal integration down to the skin, okay. I know what ironic self-loathing is all about. Cut me a break here."

Kara: "Seriously, you could have been creative instead. Fuck that. Now Karen, what did you do?"
Karen, verbatim: "A really soaring vocal arrangement."
Kara: "I guess so, for a second and then you dropped the whole concept of the hook and made a boring song about it. Also your lyrics didn't explain anything about how the person would actually find it easy."

Jewel, and this part was sort of scary: "Karen, what did I task you with?"
Karen: "Modern Woman Empowerment."
Jewel: "And creative lyrics, yes?"
Karen: "Yes, ma'am."
Jewel, verbatim: "And did you do that?"

Ouch. So fucking ouch. Karen calls her ma'am again and it turns out that Jewel is a pretty intimidating individual. I bet it's because of those years she spent wrestling bears for food.

Johnny: "I totally forgot to overintellectualize this time, my bad. Karen was the hooker but that's it, Blessing just wanted to play piano and is totally boring and probably not even blind, and I was essential because I made sure everybody finished the song. So really it's me and Amber that should be safe, because Amber wrote most of the lyrics. Wait, which were awful. Amber, I should say, kept Karen from writing even worse lyrics. I just want to get out in front of whatever's about to happen. It's possible I'm babbling."

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Platinum Hit




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