Platinum Hit
Dance Floor Royalty

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
I Can Hear The Ooh-Ahhs

Here I come! Better watch out because here I come! To push!

Jes: Whiny/pretty. This is also the point where you never want to hear this fucking beat again. I think she'll be Top Three. One of the top three hookers.

Brian: The song is called "My Ridiculous" and it's so far down out of his range it's like even Liz Phair would be like, "Twelvis, don't write songs for yourself you cannot yourself sing." Once again he sounds like a teenager who has been mistaken one too many times for his mother on the landline and has determined to make at least this one change in his life. Although it is hysterically mortifying to watch, it contains a line about his face becoming stupid that's worthwhile -- and true fact -- and of course, everybody else loves it because this show is so mysterious.


Jewel and Donna retire so the rest of them can beat up Nick, hopefully. Third place then goes to Scotty, who painted things with Amazing. Jewel mentions his strength with melody and arrangement, but tells him to find better lyrics than last week. I would say he already has a fine start with this concept of interior design-as-adjective.

Karen pulls second place, with her codependent soaring anthem sounding song about making it easier to love her. Donna asks her to be more creative even, and Jewel prescribes an extra helping of "modern female empowerment," which firstly I thought was weird but then remembered the words of the song.

Karen: "Thank you, I'll remember that."
Jewel: "No, I mean like in life. Like have some respect for yourself."
Karen: "That's what I meant also."

Donna Summer: "Okay, and this is the number-one winner of the whole thing. Although I am jaded, I was impressed with this person's inspired creativity."
Nick: "You are talking about me, I am sure of it!"
Donna: "No, I am talking about Elvissey over there."


Brian's joyful face looks like somebody getting a blowjob who thinks they're being taped. It is tense and weird when everybody's clapping for him and I must say I did not care for it. He sucks his cheeks and lowers his eyelids and looks like he's going to slide down onto the floor in a Brian pudding. Barf me out. Anyway, number one hook. Maybe somebody else will sing and we won't have to hear his breathing messy skeleton singing.

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Platinum Hit




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