Platinum Hit
Dance Floor Royalty

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
I Can Hear The Ooh-Ahhs

Jewel: "Nick, you're making a shitbag face like usual. Care to make this whole situation weird and toxic for no reason?"
Nick: "I can do that for sure. I am the best at that. I am the best at everything, but especially being a buzzkill princess."
Jewel: "If you think you already know everything, you are going to be a permanent state of disillusion and whininess."
Melissa: Nods her head because one of her previous incarnations was like that.
Nick: "Okay. But I do know everything. And I am chock full of those things."

Jewel, insightful as usual: "Nick, it's not because you feel you're the best and this is unfair, it's because you're a jealous little bitch. You're not sad because you didn't win, you're sad because somebody else did. Which is not the same thing at all."
Nick: "I'm going to keep arguing, even though you are not offering opinions but facts."
Jewel: "Yeah, well, when you don't know anything then everything's up for debate."
Nick: "Maybe I'm acting childish because I'm a total child."
Jewel: "Or maybe you're just acting like a hater because you are a textbook hater and that's why nobody likes you. That and your bewilderingly off-putting choice in eyewear."

Johnny, which this is also exactly how I feel about Nick: "There's a lot there. It's just that there's more of how horrible he is, so much more, that it doesn't really balance out. Makes me sad."

Jewel: "Okay, now that baby has his wittle bottle and it's nearly naptime, let's talk about grownup things like this game show we're all on. Pay attention, no matter what antics Nick and Sonyae get up to trying to pull focus."


Nick spends the entire team-choosing portion of the episode crying and whining and pulling cunty little faces. The big surprise of this challenge is that the songs will be up for judgment by the notoriously harsh, collective LA clubgoer. Right, because when you think discernment right away you think of LA clubbers.

Brian picks Jes first, for her amazingly authentic energy, which is code for "Like most guys, I consider women tiny mirrors to adore myself in, and Jes is really vague, so I guess I feel positively toward her." Nick is literally crying right now, sobbing in his stupid hoodie.

Karen chooses Blessing, because she wants help writing a big gay Donna Summer anthem and probably he will be best at that since he likes moany ooh-ahh songs without a lot of words in it and she's afraid she'll forget what music sounds like or something.

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Platinum Hit




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