The first-place winner was, once again, Johnny. I will take that on faith. I hope he informs us in a flesh-crawlingly awkward way about how important it is that he keep winning... Yep.
Johnny: "I'm really growing in this competition."
And so on. Bonus Ugh Points for saying not only "not gonna lie" but following that up with "NGL," so we know he's hip to the tweets or whatever. I think what Johnny is, now that I'm zeroing in, I think that what he is, is a borderline-neurotypical expert programmer who consciously decided to become normal one day -- ending up at John Mayer by mirroring the masculinity of the relatively small crowd of young men around him -- which is probably my favorite kind of person on earth, but then also you have the effect of this troubling journey getting further interrupted by becoming blazing hot in a very short amount of time.
So that necessary bullying element, that turns the boys into men, gets cut off at just the wrong time because now he is surrounded by people who get confused about who's cool and who's not, and they are willing to indulge and laugh at the jokes, whatever they are, so he has no way of applying his algorithm to decide which jokes are funny, because now all the jokes are funny. Success assured, without regard to the variables.
This is where hipsters come from -- the generational stresses of being caught between '90s irony and millennial earnestness until you barely even have permission to like exist without feeling nervous about it -- but it's also why the thing with Jes: Absent the pushback of his formative years, he really has no way of determining what is actual, so he's going off some very faulty instincts and whatever he remembers from films he loved as a youth, such as Joe Vs. The Volcano, for how people interact with each other. That's my theory this week.
Back on the show, congratulations to Johnny for his walking-through-walls superhero rap, and the grim knowledge that we will now be watching him perform it for the rest of the hour, which just got mighty long.
THE GOOD NEWS
Is that we're not actually rapping this week, but blurring the lines just like Run DMC and Aerosmith did, if you are from olden times and remember that. Against Jes's wishes, Johnny chooses "Scotaaaaay" for his first teammate, while Sonyae cutely invites Nick because he's a good collaborator and brings the rap-rock thing. Jackie picks Brian, correctly, because they are a great team. Johnny picks Jes, of course, so let's talk about that for a million years and their "feelings" for each other some more. Sonyae's second pick is Melissa, because nobody has figured out that Amber's aiming for urban when she works, because you wouldn't know that from her music. So poor Amber ends up with Jackie and Brian, which boo-hoo, that's going to be awesome.