TEAM DOUCHE CHILLS
Dude: "Johnny looks excited, Nick does not look excited."
Nick: (Could literally be shitting his pants.)
Johnny: (Only ever needs an ally, or an audience, or somebody to wink at.)
Dude, whispering to Johnny: "Nick-is-the-fucking-worst."
Johnny, whispering to dude: "Do-not-penalize-me-for-that."
Dude: "Gavin DeGraw is right here in the studio recording."
Johnny: "That's exciting to me, and not totally gross like it is in reality."
Dude: "I'm going to go get him, because having you two assholes in this room isn't giving Jacob enough hives yet."
Gavin: "[Some rumbling inaudible truths.]"
Johnny: "Well, great! We collaborated by ignoring each other, so this should go swimmingly. Have you noticed how I'm 100% adorable and Nick is 100% repulsive? Keep that in mind moving forward. I am still not clear on the word team."
Johnny, and I mean: "I'm guessing Nick is going to sing some power pop punk gutter garbage that sounds like Sum 41 circa 2004. So I am going to sing this one song I have that sounds like a Gavin DeGraw song." [My emph. How cute is that.]
He sings a Johnny song, which is always already a Gavin DeGraw song. But will DeGraw accept the gracious handjob of Johnny? Or will he understand the difference between the pandering right now or the ongoing pandering that Johnny thinks of as real life? If you honestly think that's a question you don't know Gavin. Or boys.
Gavin: "I can see myself, for example, singing this song."
Johnny: "I fake it so real I am beyond fake."
Gavin leaves! It is over! What?
Nick: "...Wait, that was the whole pitch meeting? This is disgusting."
It is, honestly. It is ridiculous what just happened. There is a stink on this. It is nice to see Nick hurt, but not that nice.
THE HIPSTER WITH THE MOST CAKE
Jewel, wearing some beautiful thing: "So what hook did you pitch? Because that's the song you're now doing, just like every week. The whole 99 hooks thing was just to keep you busy while Mommy answered emails."
Nick: "Some fucking Gavin DeGraw-sounding Johnny bullshit, naturally. The Man is constantly keeping me down, Via my refusal to participate positively in my own life."
Jes & Scotty: "Like a Justin Bieber song or something? It was a bit of a blur, honestly."