I can't believe one girl ever dated him. He's got the face of a bloody-eyed bassett hound, and the black and twisted heart of the bitchiest Capitol Hill assistant, and when he sings it sounds like he's taking it up the ass. What girl could pass that up. That whole package.

Sonyae: "Have you noticed yet that I only write songs about myself and my love life?"
Brian: "Yes, I have noticed that."
Everybody: "Yes, you are not telling us anything we didn't know."

Jes: Falls over dead.

Melissa: "Well, if you're dead and I don't give a shit, then who's going to write our song?"
Jes, from beyond the grave: "I knew that bitch wouldn't help a sister out."

Commercial, then Jes recovers. Their song gets worse and worse.

For one second I felt this insane certainty that Jes was having a hysterical pregnancy from kissing Johnny after one beer, and that their fake love was so fake that it created a fake child, and that it would hypergestate and be "born" at the finale and Sonyae would be like, "Stop stealing my thunder having your imaginary hipster baby, I'm trying to win a game show here!" And Jes would be like, "I knitted you an AC/DC onesie, Imaginary Hipster Baby, but I still gotta put a bird on it," and Johnny would be like, "I am going to teach it awesome stuff and be a great dad, I always wanted to be a dad, Imaginary Hipster Fathers be good to your Imaginary Hipster Daughters," but then secretly start a blog about how much being an Imaginary Hipster Dad sucks.

Jackie reads lyrics that sound like word salad. Johnny points out that their song makes no sense and is full of infinite pronouns and causal regressions and the person is his own grandmother. Jackie says some crazy talk about I don't know what, and Nick checks out completely. There's a montage of Jackie talking, talking, talking forever and ever. Nick finds this unacceptable. They are shitty to each other. Nick thinks about killing himself. Johnny doesn't urge him on, because Johnny is a disappointment in many ways. I don't think it would be that hard. He's got like French amounts of turmoil in there.

NEXT TWIST

After the performances, the winning team will have one person win immunity for next week. I think Jewel is just making things up at this point. Next week it's going to be the Top Hooker gets to pick who goes home and then they go home. And then everybody else has to write a song about it. In a genre the person picks. And they all have to use the Top Hooker's hook. And then the judges would somehow find a way to complain about it. All I know is, I wish the old A&R person would come back because I'm ashamed and confused by my feelings toward the new guy. (Kevin? Keith? Naftaly.) You're not allowed even to like an A&R guy, but I sort of want to marry this one. He is very special in some way. Maybe... Well, he was in radio. Maybe I'm responding to some imperceptible Ryan Seacrest thing, and that's all it is. It hasn't gotten to the point yet with Seacrest where I see him turning a street corner and go running off and calling his name and then it's nobody, or a short lesbian, but I can see it getting there. I miss him more and more, rather than less and less. Maybe Keith Naftaly is just that lesbian. The lesbian I need right now.