Platinum Hit
The L Word

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Sprout & The Mean

Melissa forces everybody to beg her for hugs, validate her misbegotten pride, and pretend that her stupid-ass Chicago-Infant-Farmer-Quacking-Deaf-Dolphin accent is real. One more turn 'round the old dancefloor of begging for attention. At some point her accent has gone into like Betty Boop-Prohibition Era-"He's So Unusual"-Harley Quinn territory: Ya talk of sweeties, bashful sweeties/ I got one of those! What a beast she is. There is something very True Blood about Melissa. (There is something very Johnny about "He's So Unusual," now that I've got it in my head.)

Melissa: "[I honestly could not understand this part because of her stupid made-up affected babytalking.]"

Something about starting a band with Blessing, I think. God, what an awful fucking idea. That's sort of ingenious. They could do covers of "Somewhere Only We Know" and "Mother Mother (Everything's Fine)" and she'd play the spoons or the didge and crack weird jokes between songs that nobody understands and the punchline's always "What Paxil subscription?," like, that's the catchphrase that doesn't even mean anything but she's so proud of it.

Melissa: "How many lightbulbs does it take to undo the weird zapping feeling under my scalp?"
Crowd: "How! Many!"
Melissa: "What Paxil subscription?"
Crowd: "...What?"
Melissa: "But seriously folks, have you ever really licked a window?"

Melissa: "My old man Mistah J got tossed back in Arkham last week and I'm writing a song to deal with my feelings about it. It's called 'Love Me In A Minute' and it's about how I wish a man would touch me."
Crowd: "Wait, you're dating the Joker?"
Melissa: "What Paxil subscription?"

And she drops the mic and walks offstage, convinced she can't do anything more awesome than that joke that only she understood. They loved me, she thinks. They loved me to life.

Next week: Busking, which will probably be a bloodbath; presumably we'll see yet more of Jewel regulating; Imaginary Hipster Baby turns out to be Imaginary Hipster Twins and Johnny is secretly a twin with John Mayer and Jes is a triplet with Amber and this other random girl with Feist bangs, and it turns out their parents are also twins and then they all have a bunch of twins and they start a circus and they don't even live in Brooklyn anymore, they live in Washington Heights, and then Melissa shows up dressed as an old crone selling apples and she steals the babies. All of them. And then Nevin sings for them. All in one hour this happens.

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Platinum Hit

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