Platinum Hit
The L Word

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Sprout & The Mean

Sonyae: "[Incomprehensible babble as usual.]"
Nick: "I am just going to sing the same song I always sing, okay? But this time is about how a woman literally tore out my heart. Literally tore it out of my body. Probably because I am one hundred percent awful."
Melissa: "[Some deluded cock-and-bull story involving her reproductive system.]"

HOOKOFF

Nick: Boring and dumb. Tedder loves it, of course.
Melissa: "Dizzy." Hopefully not too dizzy to reproduce with her one ovum.
Jackie: Beautiful, soaring and sad. What a voice she's got.
My Ridiculous: Tedder likes the lyrics, but I must say I was distracted by the leather jacket and scarf. Everybody's wearing cool-weather clothes so it's not fully bizarre, but he's just such a funny little man about things. The song is, surprise, about stalking and boobies. Brian hoes the row he's been given.
Scotty: Shoots for Jackie's whole tender-aching thing and ends up once again selling the performance, to the detriment of the song. They like the melody anyway.

Sonyae: "People love you to death all the time but I don't want to die from love so we are going to sing a song about 'Love Me To Life.' It will be boring and go on and on."

Jes, awkwardly and giggling and obnoxious: "It's You."
Jewel: "The gross hipster way you're widening your eyes and sucking your teeth as though you are blowing your own mind -- plus this note from the producers -- leads me to wonder if your song is about Johnny or something."
Jes: [More of this. It's skin-crawling. It's like watching an infinite number of drunk girls get pulled onstage by infinite friends to perform infinite karaoke that they're pretending they don't want to do.]

Nick, who is a Twat: "He has literally picked the ugliest girl in the competition. It's just annoying."

Never let it be said that Nick doesn't come through. If you really want to just hate somebody so much it takes on Orwellian, social overtones, just cut to fucking Nick. He makes me feel like nuclear war might be okay, as long as he died.

It's not the lookism -- which is just a myth perpetrated by ugly people to make everybody feel guilty for having eyeballs -- it's just the nasty, unclever, base-level shittiness. Like, instead of saying something funny, he's just not even trying anymore: I want to say something really mean, and that's the meanest thing I can think of right now, so just draw a line under it because I'm not using any more brain than it takes to go for the nuclear option. It's the same area of a person's brain that I think the n-word comes from.

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Platinum Hit

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