Then her song is totally stupid and annoying and they are stalkers. Stalking each other. Watching themselves watch each other stalk each other and thereby stalk themselves. Lost in the funhouse.
Jewel, hatefully: "Very sweet."
Oh, that reminds me, I totally said that for my dance song I would write a dance song about not wanting to dance or not wanting to write a dance song, and then that's precisely what Jackie did for the rap challenge. What I'm saying is that I 100% love Jackie Tohn and I hope she takes this mother all the way to the end because there's nothing in my heart but hope for her. It's over. Love won.
Johnny's song is called "Wake Up To You," it's about Jes, and also losing his virginity. It goes like this:
"I really truly cannot wait to have sex with an area of your body/ And hold your breast in one of my hands/ Nothing excites me more than the female form/ Besides video games/ Because I am a man-machine of virile blue-blooded American desire/ Or secretly a furry."
Tedder: "Are you John Mayer?"Johnny: "No sir."Tedder: "Then why are you selling me a John Mayer song?"
Everybody: "Oh shit. That's like the one thing you can't say to Johnny and he totally said it. That's like mentioning somebody's obvious disfigurement. What happens now? I don't know where to look. If Johnny cries I'm leaving this arboretum."
Johnny: "It's what I do, Ryan. Asexual John Mayer covers. John Mayer/Jack Johnson/Jason Mraz slash-fic with a G rating. Were you not briefed?"
Just Scott Pilgrim amounts of not letting the world get him down, that's our Johnny. Oblivious little, entitled little, sweet little, Asian girlfriend-having Johnny.
Jes gets third place, which is thrilling because leadership is obviously going to be her strong suit. Tedder asks her to get to the point early, instead of wandering there with Zooey Deschanel as your spirit animal.
Nick's shitty song gets second place and he's so mixed up at this point that he gets angry at himself for getting second place because he should be getting second place goddammit.
First place is not Brian nor is it Melissa, nor it is Scotty. You already know who got first place, it is Sonyae. Whatever the point of this show is -- which we will never actually know what that is -- Sonyae understands it.
Top Hooker gets Sonyae two things: The team-picking ability from weeks previous, and but also she gets to pick everybody else's team for them. This is so dumb, like, Natasha Leggero's complaint about the rules making no sense on a game show is totally correct. "The Bottom Six choose the Top Two to enter the Final Five!"