Platinum Hit
The L Word

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Sprout & The Mean

Nick wants to be on Scott's team, but hates Sonyae, because she is a person.

Sonyae draws it out, but not that long. Her first choice is Scott, of course, and then Brian, "because he's totally talented," and then she explains that in fact the real reason she picked them is to fuck with Nick, because he only speaks to them, because he wants them to explain to him how being a man works.

For Nick's team, she chooses Johnny and Jackie, which pisses everybody off.

Sonyae: "I needed to split up Jes and Johnny, and then also they hate him too. We all hate him. He's the worst. But he's been going after us specifically. So fuck Nick."
Jewel: "Um, Jackie and Johnny are your only competition on this game show. You just handed him the two best people. Maybe being a bitch is something you should leave to him."

Nick immediately insults both of them, which is also funny. Like, I think he hurts their feelings a little bit just in casual conversation.

That means that Jes's dumb song gets only dumb Melissa to help. Which is the funniest part of all.


Nick: "I hate writing clichéd songs about my clichéd feelings with Jackie, because Jackie is the worst person in the world."

Johnny & Jackie: "We will rewrite the song right in front of you. It's like got three acts and multiple girls and points of view in it. It's going to be like the Inception of poser surf-rock. Then you will sing it in your whiny voice."

Which, you know I love me some Johnny and Jackie, but what a fucking egregious nightmare to have both of those nerds nerding it up on your hooky punk-lite Plain White T's song of the summer. With like time travel in it, and various voices and time frames and like, Rachel MacAdams is in there, and Ashton Kutcher ends up with no arms and legs over the course of the song, and like half of the song is just footnotes to previous passages and to other footnotes and there's a minotaur, and they go to a circus or something and it turns out that the twins from the first part, their dad is also a twin, and his kids are also twins, and then they all have twins.

Something amazing happens in the editing where they come up with two names for the two girls in the story that happen to be the names of the girls in the real-life version of events that inspired this song for Nick. How boring. How absolutely boring. Just as boring as him bitching about Jackie feeling empowered to share her thoughts, or watching Johnny find himself hilarious when really he's just being kind of half-heartedly weird.

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Platinum Hit




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