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The Winner Takes It All

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The Song of Your Life

Previously: After a harrowing challenge in which Kara DioGuardi and her matte-lipsticked, pitchfork-bearing demons burst out of mirrors and other reflective surfaces at random, to pinch and poke and harry, Nick finally went back to whatever chimney sweep dungeon he came from. This after removing his more promising compatriots from the contest through force of sheer charm. Sonyae, Scotty and Jes proceed now to the final challenge, in which -- we're told -- they must write "the song of their lives."

Scotty's song will be called: "Vogue." Don't just stand there, he'll say. Let's get to it. And instead of namechecking famous pretty people, it will be various martyrs to the gay cause, such as Harvey Milk and Michelle Bachman.

Sonyae's song will be called: "Sine Your Pitty On Tha Runny Kine," and contain lots of advanced words and concepts for which we mortals don't yet have the mental scaffolding.

Jes's song: Won't actually be a song, just a bird making bird noises, harp for a bit, then sobbing. Forever.


In this week's finale challenge, each contestant will be presented with one (1) unicorn of less than a year's ago, and a sum of money that is just enough to get them in trouble. Contestants will not be told that this money is a loan and only the financial performance of their work, which is largely out of their hands, will ever repay this loan. Contestants will not be apprised of the fact that they will never make any more money than this negative amount.

The challenge itself is an obstacle course which begins with a gauntlet of sexist men in suits with their hands out. Each suit will take a chunk out of the unicorn, which Contestant may carry in any fashion -- over the shoulders like a deerslayer, or in the arms like an infant -- and the blood from which will make things sticky and hard to control.

The second portion of the gauntlet involves secondary merchandising deals which will only be arranged at the behest of the first Label that comes knocking, and which depend entirely on the corporate sponsors with whom the Label has relationships. These relationships can change at any time, voiding previous contracts and providing Contestant with even less imaginary money; these decisions will be made entirely in backroom meetings and orgies attended entirely by old rich white men and ex-convicts, ex-drug dealers, and those who once sold and abused women's bodies for money.

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