Sooooo everybody hates Nick now, which is fun. I couldn't make it through even half an episode of that Isaac Mizrahi show that happened after Runway went to Lifetime, because all the people seemed like mental patients and their conversations made no sense. In the case of this show that we are watching now, it seems like they all have the disease of being assholes.

Everybody jogs around the museum so nobody can steal their hook, and then Jes explains to us again what a hook is. I hope they tell us eleven times in every episode what a hook is.

Scotty, who is the New Michael Jackson, informs us that you cannot write a hook in your head as quickly as Nick claims to have done. As we'll see, Scotty has delusions of his own, but it does make it more exciting to wonder what Nick is up to.

Sonyae writes a hook about her sunglasses that seems to be mostly about screaming as though you have been stabbed in the abdomen.

Jackie and Jes do their writing things; Jackie makes horrible faces and is horrible while writing. Possibly there are several girls that I think are Jes. Maybe there are ten. I think one of them is named Amber?

Karen writes some folk song about homeless people because she is from the south and she's a southern girl and guess what Karen is going to be talking about. I feel like she's like on every cooking show that one blonde overbite one that's like, "I'm Southern, I learned this from my momma and I love food" and they're like, "Can you make seafood or tofu or a delicious stirfry or something, anything that's interesting" and she's like, "No, but I can make biscuits."

Nevin refuses to rush himself, because he is a great artist. He says that out loud. To us. I'm kind falling in love with his total oblivion. He's a leader of men! He sings for the orphans! He cannot be rushed!

Everybody looks stressed, except for the ones that are jerkoffs, which are most of them.

Jewel calls everybody back in, and I think Blessing's dog is howling when she introduces my girl Kara DioGuardi and they all start crapping themselves because she's actually famous.

The Top Four Hooks will get some sort of advantage, we're told; I hope it's Weapon of Choice. That's the only advantage that ever matters.

Scotty the New Michael Jackson is Jordin Sparks's Creative Director so he knows what it's like to be a star. I think being Jordin Sparks's Creative Director is not something you should discuss about yourself because she is not noted for her creativity at all. She is first of all a pretend person, and second of all she is noted for singing songs that go, for example, "Why does love always feel like a battlefield?" and "I am woman!" But I bet he means he picks out her pyro effects and smoke effects and the giant stringy-haired demon skull of Eddie that comes jerking out of the stage halfway through her show and then sparks go everywhere. Or her dresses. Scotty sings his hook and it sounds like a song Kara would write, so she loves it.