Johnny plays a song by John Mayer. Not very hooky. He's kind of just cute. That's kind of what he's got going on. Blushing whenever Jes does anything and then being cute and boring and singing songs in the key of John Mayer. Could be worse, he's pretty charming.

Sonyae steps up -- Jackie talks about how affected she is, because ask an expert -- and sings her horrible hook and looks like desperation personified and everybody laughs right in her face, and it's awesome. Blessing sings his song and it's boring, but he's blind so they all cry and stare. Amber, who is apparently not Jes, sings a song about doing it. Jackie does her Bonnie Tyler thing and it sort of falls apart at the end, but she knows that.

Melissa, the mom one: "I grew up very sensitive to the power of the ocean, you know, the sunsets, and with a sense of awe of the universe."

BIGGEST ASSHOLE OF ALL, I THINK

Just kidding, she doesn't sing for the widow. She doesn't sing for the orphan. She might have some mental problems and possibly needs help with her day-to-day, but she's not an asshole.

So Melissa flames out immediately and does that process thing that's so annoying where instead of just doing a good job or gutting through it with any dignity whatsoever, she starts whining to the judges about how she fucked up, like they're going to give her a hug. Jewel looks really sad for her, probably because they look identical to each other. Kara just wants to punch her in the neck, which is the only appropriate response.

The rest of everybody hates her, but Mohawk Nick the Two-Pump Dick makes such a camera-mugging show of how ridiculous she is that it just makes him look bad instead.

Jes sings her song about how LA starts in your nose and goes to your toes or whatever, she's wearing a pink crocheted knit cap and cannot be trusted based on that alone. All the boys who are practically gay already start falling in love with her... He typed, just as the camera shot to Johnny falling in love with her. I know my shit. You might say I am a leader of men.