Jewel: "I'm Jewel. Apparently I've never talked before and recently found out from Lord Of The Rings how people talk to each other. I was born in a van."
Opening Credits, in which we learn that somebody is named "Blessing," there's a mom in this show, and... Oh, Christ. Is that Jackie "Enduring American Idol Season Eight Nightmare" Tohn? I don't know if I can handle Jackie Tohn again, I should have done my research. Frankly it seems unfair to us both. She's just such a bastard.
A guy who thinks that he's going to be the next Michael Jackson, and then Jackie comes in talking about how she's just so interesting and she just rocks it so hard. Apparently now for this show she's from Long Island and not Silver Lake anymore. The things about Jackie Tohn that I remember like it was yesterday, I swear to you. I can't remember the names of more than eight people that were ever on that show, but I still have dreams about this monster.
Imagine if you will Mayim Bialik's character from Beaches, crossed with Jill Zarin, plus a luxurious helping of hipster nonsense. Singing her Weird Al songs and tossing her hair around inside her cloud of affectations and feather earrings and doing constant weird accents and goblin moves and begging, begging, begging you to love her.
I probably made half of the facts up just from the raw materials of things I hate about people, but I'll tell you this: The hugs she's so liberally handing out on meeting her housemates are getting just as many rolled eyes as one might like. And the worst part is she's super talented so, if she's the villain here, and how could she not be, we can be double sure she's not going anywhere.
Nevin, who is cute but not cute enough for this shit right here: "I've been very influenced by Billy Joel, Elton John and Bob Dylan. My songs are a reflection of my life. I sing for the widow, I sing for the orphan. I sing for the person in this world that doesn't have much of a voice. I am a leader of men and people look to me for direction. And I try to give it to them as honestly as I can."
He sings for the widow, y'all. A leader of men, y'all. Dumbstruck.
I think also he sings for The Guy In Every Reality Competition That Falls In Love With A Girl During The Show.
Which equals that he is gay.
Whoever that guy is, there's going to be one and he's going to be gay. The whole thing, the whole coincidental (500) days of love story, is always so compromised and grody and creepy and sad. And even if he's not gay, he's gay about maybe being gay, which is worse.