Platinum Hit
Wheels Up

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Sordid Hipsters Of America

Nick: To their hateful faces, judges included, he delivers a short speech about how amazing he is, and Jackie obligatorily laughs at him, and it sounds like every song he writes. Every single time. Johnny makes fun of him because it's the same shit every time, and Kara tells him he is writing songs that have nothing to do with him, which is true because it's always one song. Maybe we hit his limit faster than I thought we would. Or maybe he just isn't very interesting on the inside. A technician doesn't need to be a sculptor.
Johnny: It's actually a lovely song. There is much I like about Johnny, don't get me wrong about poor old Johnny, and my dislike for his particular style of music has little to do with the fact that he is very good at writing that kind of song. Amber watches Jes watching Johnny and everybody smirks at everybody else and that's how the sausage is made.
Brian: Cheek-sucking, boring-talking full of nothing words and a shaking head because of how amazing whatever he's saying is. The song is, as usual, about touching boobies. Kara loves that part and how lonely his hands are, but nobody points out how boring and hacky the melody was.


Maybe that is just Brian's face.

Jackie is third place with her song about how the road is where the heart is, because it had a strong structure. "Vulnerable and honest" is Jes's song about how she wants to feel free and also feel like she is home, so she's in second. And the top one, a "perfect marriage of music, melody and emotion," goes to -- not so fast, Brian -- Johnny. Awesome! That's good.

Johnny: "I am a force to be reckoned with and I just proved it. [Wait for it.] Hey, guess I don't suck..."

#1 hooker Johnny gets an extra thing this week: He picks his whole team up front, instead of going round about. He's annoying and awkward about it -- but the worst part is that it means he can't have Jes or Jackie, the best people for him to work with and the best people period.

Johnny pretends that he's going to pick Nick despite his awful behavior, and then is like, "Just kidding, that would suck!" but he has such a gentle way about him that it's not the meanest joke in the world, except we're accruing Nick hate at a faster speed than really looks good on the rest of them. And of course this means Nick's compromised drama-queen ass has to be like, "Whew! All I wanted in life was to not be on Johnny's team!" But since this episode so far as been 100% about Jackie and Nick suddenly hating each other, I think we all know what's going to happen. So instead, Johnny picks Brian and Scotty, because they are male and not Nick, because Johnny is in some ways still a child-man.

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Platinum Hit




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