She rejoins the party in time for Bud's speech. He's surprised it wasn't his son Douglas who turned out to be the homosexual of the family. "Boy was as gay as a spring dress," he says. "Clothes had to be perfect, hair had to be perfect." Thomas giggles delightedly. Then he finishes up by saying Douglas found himself the perfect wife-to-be. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Anne is never going to stop throwing up now. With everyone feeling pretty good, Thomas decides now is the time to hit his folks up for the money. They do this away from the rest of the party, which is good because it goes to hell pretty quickly. Bud outright refuses to front the money. "I'm not doin' it and neither is your mama." Way to speak for your ex-wife, asshole. Elaine doesn't stand up for herself. Bud rattles off a list of his son's failings -- starting with his multitude of boarding schools and his no longer playing the piano -- and ends with "the stunt" Thomas pulled last December. When it's later revealed what really happened, Bud refers to it this way makes him even more reprehensible. Thomas is hurt. Elaine and Douglas look sad, but nobody speaks up for him. "I hate this family," he says. "How am I ever supposed to do something important if nobody ever helps me?" If his family were less awful, I'd call him a big baby who needs to grow up. For now, I'm feeling sympathetic. It's only after Thomas leaves the room that Douglas defends him and calls their father a joke.
Thomas goes to the bathroom of choice for the self-destructive set and snorts up some cocaine. Meanwhile, his parents stay behind to talk. Bud is all "shugah" and "baby" and trying to butter up his ex. She resists, so he turns the subject to the Iran crisis. Of Hakam, he says, "He wouldn't poke America in the eye unless he knows he's got a deal and a handshake." Why couldn't Elaine -- the Secretary of State and the nation's top diplomat -- figure this out on her own without Foghorn? He tells Elaine to stay out of it or she'll just piss off Garcetti, who he's convinced is in on the whole thing. Of course, he's saying this knowing that Elaine will do the opposite. To sweeten the deal, he reminds Elaine that she's still the "foxiest piece of ass" he's ever seen. Instead of making her way to the Bathroom of Pain to throw up, she rejoins the party. Thomas is playing a jaunty ragtime number at the piano, which makes his parents realize instantly that he's high and/or crazy. Ragtime is the devil's music!
In his hotel room later, Thomas does more coke and hooks up with some guy he met online. Thomas's identity turns out to be a surprise to the guy, because apparently Thomas only identified himself with a snapshot of something other than his face. They start making out and tearing off each other's clothes and then the guy pulls away so he can have a fanboy moment. "This is gonna sound kinda weird, but I gotta tell you," the guy says. Thomas sighs. "Yeah, you've wanted to sleep with me since I was a teenager in the White House." The guy is pretty nice combination of adorable and hot, so Thomas decides to make his wish come true. Sadly, that's where their scene ends.