Popstars
Callback's a Bitch

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Faith Hill Apologizes, Cuts Off Ears

Last week on Popstars, lots of people auditioned. Several were cut. The narrator kept talking: "Some hearts soared, but most were broken." Alexandra has replaced the shaky, crying face with constant repeats of her screaming, "I'm coming back!" I guess I should stop while I'm ahead.

In this episode, the auditions will continue. Unfortunately, we won't find out which auditioner made Jaymes say, "What are you doing at a pop audition?" That's just for the teaser, folks. We also won't hear who Crapcock tells needs vocal lessons. No fun. The narrator explains once again how people will continue to be eliminated until they become Eden's Crush 2.

Tiny Squares of Girls, Boys, Fun, et al. Some guy announces it's "Episode Two." I'm telling you right now that Moi must make it. They keep showing him for no reason, and on the official message boards, there are all these threads glowing about how wonderful he is when all we've seen is thirty seconds of him being an asshole last week.

After a montage of people applying makeup, the narrator once again introduces us to the three judges. I know that y'all aren't so dumb you need it explained again. I love you much more than The WB ever will. Crapcock looks like a morphing of Joey Fatone and Lance Bass. Jaymes tells us that she loves "Day Twos," because it gives her a chance to talk to "the kids." As Jaymes talks, she completely ignores the child standing behind her. Jaymes and Big Baby Jesus are about "the kids." Love it.

PseudoTravis tells us that they're looking for people with lots of personality, so they're going to ask lots of questions. Crapcock explains that when these kids are in a group, they'll have to do lots of press and will have to respond to these kinds of questions all the time. He adds that people are going to want to know the answers to these questions and know all about these kids, but I'd have to argue that point.

Cut to one of the "interesting" stories we get to hear upon meeting "the kids." Jahzeel Mumford, nineteen, from Virginia Beach, VA once rode a roller coaster fifty-seven times. It was for a television commercial he was in. He loved it. The judges can't believe it. I can't believe this is the best story out of three hundred. Where are the phone sex operators from last year?

Quinton Guyton II, eighteen, Pontiac, MI admits his worst job ever was having to shave his dad's back. His dad must really hate him, since he didn't name him with a "Junior," and then forces the kid to shave his back for money and then makes him come on Popstars to use the remaining thirteen seconds of his fame.

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