Eden Is Crying

Episode Report Card
Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
Oh, Get Over Yourselves

I guess this went on for a while, but luckily we're quickly introduced to the band name, since this show is not about the making of a pop group, but rather the pimping of the group and the group's songs and the industry behind them. They all sit together and say to the camera, "Hi. We're Eden's Crush." As the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun take over the screen, I am really quite speechless. Where the hell did that name come from? And what does it mean? The Garden of Eden has a crush on them? Wha? What about Adam's Crush? Then at least the first man has a thing for them, making them, like, Eve or something. God. I don't know. I don't even know what that means. And I refuse to believe they came up with this name, anyway. I'm sure they labored over names until they got into a big old fight and then David Foster was like, "Oh, we were kidding about you guys choosing your names. You're Eden's Crush. We already made the website."

We cut to the five girls in the studio with various shots of them singing the song. Sometimes they're all together. Nicole is eating this up, by the way. She's already flirting with the camera, pushing up her Beyonce status while the other girls are just trying to sing. There's really nothing more to comment on, here, except that at one point Maile's so enthralled with singing to the camera that she turns away from the microphone to sing it right at us. Oh, and the editing department needs to go. I don't need four squares of the same shot of Maile and Nicole singing. No one does. Ana Maria is still smooshing her face to sing.

Next week the girls have this big public performance where they have to dance. Ivette snaps at Nicole for telling her that her steps are wrong. They're dancing behind a big sheet since no one can know who they are. And Ivette's gonna start crying because she hates everyone. She's the new Alexandra, and now I'm gonna have to see her sobby face shaking in front of the camera every three seconds. Great. Rosanna loses her voice, because she's not a singer. She says she'll be able to dance behind the other girls, but she won't be able to sing. Out of the group, I say!

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