Do you know that this show is dead last in ratings? That means people who do this show aren't even watching it. It's just me. Me and Alexandra.
Previously on Popstars, people auditioned. Jackie said he'll be a "Popstah." There were callbacks, and most people were turned away. Scary girls wore scary makeup and cried. UnBritney Spears was sent away. Lots of people we've never seen before celebrated their callbacks. They keep showing us Kim's face so we don't forget her. The narrator tells us that, until now, it was just about their singing ability, but tonight we're gonna see some dancin'.
The producers keep trying to convince us that PseudoTravis is a "top choreographer." The audition will be in three parts. First, everyone has to freestyle. This involves lots of breakdancing. An important move in freestyling is to move your body frantically while you keep your face frozen in a way that reads, "Did I lose my keys?" Then PseudoTravis will have everyone do a choreographed number behind him, so I'm not sure how he'll know when someone's doing it correctly. And then everyone has to dance in groups. They clip in a voice-over from last season: "The stakes have never been higher." Out of the hundreds of "kids" auditioning today, there are only twenty-six sluts in Los Angeles. Right. Only twenty-six. Oh, "slots"? Yeah, there might be only twenty-six slots. But, seriously, way more than twenty-six sluts here. I'm just saying. We see shots of the workshop here, and I can see about fifteen of the people who make it. I can only identify about three of the faces. But Brandon is there, sans girlfriend. "For the chosen few, life will never be the same," the narrator reminds us. They show a shot of the house the Popstars will move into, and it's about as realistic as the opening shot of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. They remind us again that there will be an album, a video, and a concert, but I'm pretty sure we'll never see these things before the show is cancelled. Some girl rushes the camera and grinds her hips, shouting, "Woo! Yeah! I got a callback! I got a callback!"
Opening credits. I don't like the new Popstars song that I'm going to have to listen to for another ten weeks.
Billy Blanks somehow got into the callbacks. He's standing in front of the camera now with a bandanna tied around his wrist. He's talking to me like when I get all tired during the double roundhouse kicks, telling me that he's just waiting on the choreographer now, and once he comes in, everyone's going to dance and whoever does it well will make the cut. "Now, give me some! That's it! You're a conqueror! Focus! Focus! Visualize! That's it!" Sorry. Do any of y'all get Billy Blanks flashbacks from your months of Tae-Bo? Because I'm still not well over it.