Popstars
If You Can't Dance

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Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Alexandra Bitchlier Busts a Move

They want us to pretend that this is all happening in one day and that the dance auditions weren't held in different cities all over this land. Therefore, I won't mention when we've obviously switched cities. I will mention that Latin Grandma Boy shouldn't have worn giant green pants. PseudoTravis wears his best Shaft shirt and explains the freestyle section. Jaymes is standing with both of her hands clasped over her left hip and her knees jutting out to the right. Who stands that way? PseudoTravis says he'll point at people one by one and then they'll come out and dance. Got it? I do. Here comes Wing's favorite part: the audition montage.

Missy Elliot's "Get Ur Freak On" starts playing. It's a good song, but this opening part is kind of slow. Anyway...

Matthew Parker, nineteen, Battle Creek, MI, has worn his best brown pants to this audition. Good thing, because his dancing's for shit. His tongue rolls around in his mouth as he dances and he's smirking like he's there on a dare. PseudoTravis points at someone else.

Adrian Austin, eighteen, New York, NY, is actually twenty-eight. He pushes and dances like he's underwater.

PseudoTravis breaks in here to announce that he's not feeling it, and that people have to take command and control when they get in the center square. He pleads for people to show energy and emotion, even if they have to lip-synch the words to do it. "You should be living right now," he concludes.

Enter Moi, everyone's least-favorite. He starts breakdancing his ass off, flipping around, wearing his dumb hat.

Michael Washington, twenty, West Covina, CA, also loves to breakdance. What year is this? Do these kids see lots of breakdancing in *NSYNC? Do they think that "B-Boy" stands for "Backstreet Boy"? 360 Degrees instead of 98?

Dorothy does a front handspring and then slowly sways back and forth.

Brandon does that jerky dance thing that he does as PseudoTravis explains that the freestyle section is important to him so that he can see how everyone dances. He wants to see how creative they can be, and how they generate their own energies. As PseudoTravis talks, we see Alexandra repeatedly bop her ass out of her shorts. I just saw lots of Alexandra, there. Two other kids flip by as PseudoTravis is talking; they're Corey Clark and Miredys Piguero, but since we've never seen them before, their 0.3 seconds of fame will go unrecognized here.

Donovan Green gets his own time in the spotlight here, because we're supposed to remember him. He'll be a finalist, I'm sure.

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