If You Can't Dance

Episode Report Card
Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
Alexandra Bitchlier Busts a Move

I've nicknamed Jackie's freestyle "The Fighter." He just punches in the air and looks like he's waiting to be attacked.

I'll never remember Laurie Gidosh's last name. She likes to dance sexy. She's the girl I was calling this year's Christina Petty.

They also want us to remember Monika Christian, the girl with the baby who doesn't care about her baby and just wants to sing.

Who the hell is Ejay Day? Doesn't matter. He's off the screen just as I type his name. He's got a bandanna around his wrist as well, and he grinds his hips while he holds his head -- a move I think he learned from G-String Divas. By the way, I totally asked to recap G-String Divas and got turned down. I tried to recap soft-core porn for y'all. That's how much I love you.

No fucking way. This kid's name is Charl E. Brown. That's it. I quit.

Lorenzo Medico from Scranton tries to sing with Missy on "Holler!" but people are still too stunned by ol' Charl, so he's only met with a smattering of approving laughter.

Lian dances as if she's already a background dancer. Nothing too flashy or big, just backing up the main star.

Katie Webber, nineteen, from Santa Cruz is a thirty-two-year-old stripper from Akron named Roberta Mishlun.

Sharra Dade, twenty-one from Brooklyn, should never, ever, ever wear orange. The girl looks like a tan in a can.

Hee. Travis Barr-Longo with his green pants. He's got the heart, and that's all he's got, unfortunately. How did he make it to day three? Seriously. I love him, but seriously.

Vanessa Salvucci sucks, y'all. Sucks. She'd better not make it. She's like a dancing Praying Mantis.

Reggie Rolle just wants to dance, and he's not afraid to show it. If you squint just right, it's almost like Travis is up there. Travis! I miss you! Come back!

Greg Treco, twenty -- the boy from Great America that had to "perform" last week -- is performing his heart out today. He holds his head and waves his arm as his legs do the funky chicken and he's trying his best to have every single limb do different performances at once. Cut to a shot of PseudoTravis laughing at him, but I'm sure they just edited it to look that way. Then the best part is when Missy shouts, "IS THAT YOUR CHICK?" Greg stares up all like, "What, woman? Why you bustin' in my science?"

Angel Ortiz, nineteen, from Long Island, is the blue-pants girl who wanted everyone to do the Go 'head Circle earlier. The narrator explains to us that Angel's got tons of dance experience. He's only telling us that because you can't really tell here that there's anything special about her, and she must make it to L.A. and they want us to care about her. In a split-screen, she eats pizza, telling us that it's nerve-wracking freestyling in front of the judges like this. She gets disqualified for eating food in front of the camera.

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