If You Can't Dance

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B | Grade It Now!
You Won't Be Dancin', Yeah

Previously on Popstars: Girls danced. Some looked like boys. Several screens show girls pointing and vamping it up. Our fearless narrator informs us: "It began with open auditions. A once-in-a-lifetime chance to fulfill a real-life musical fantasy." A blonde we've never seen before tells us that she's nervous. The narrator interrupts: "In six cities across America, thousands of girls tried out. But only a few hundred were asked to return for the next phase." Only? Some girl wore a neon pink dress and a black boa for the audition. I have no other comment for that. "On day two, they participated in vocal callback auditions where each girl appeared alone before the judges. In the end only ninety-three girls remain." We see about nineteen girls all holding their hands to their faces or pointing. Christina Petty. Baby Norman. "Tonight, the competition continues. Each girl will have to dance alone before the judges, and as a final test, perform in groups of four." It looks like a stripper audition, the way the girls are rubbing their stomachs up on the camera. "The judges must decide which twenty-six girls to bring to Los Angeles for a week-long workshop of intensive dance and vocal training. Each girl will get a phone call. For most, the dream will be over. But for the lucky few, it means one step closer to becoming Popstars." One girl screams on Jaymes's speakerphone as Jaymes smiles at us and says, "Wow!"

Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun. Slow-motion style. For the first time, I notice just how many girls are crying in these tiny pictures.

Travis runs into the Los Angeles audition room, beaming. Behind him are thirty girls, cheering and hooting it up. Travis has worn his lucky purple and black striped sweater and leather pants. He's carrying his lucky clipboard. We're introduced once again to Travis and the Hyphentwins. The narrator tells us that today's focus is on dance. We see shots of several girls pulling their legs over their heads, stretching across chairs, pulling on their arms, trying to remember anything from the high-school jazz classes their moms made them take.

Travis repeats for the retarded: "This is Phase Three. Um, earlier in the audition we concentrated more on your vocal ability. Now we will get a chance to see you move." Jaymes stares at Travis with her arms crossed, livid that she has no say-so in this phase of the auditions.

Cut to Travis's exaggerated clapping as the girls begin to "get into the groove" to Pink's "There You Go." The narrator tells us that the pressure is "enormous." Any wrong step could mean "elimination." I'm surprised they don't explain what an audition is every single episode. Girls slither and wiggle towards Travis as he slithers backwards until he says, "Now, let's turn around and walk that way." He watches them walk away from him. "It's time for each girl to show Travis what she's got," the narrator sasses.

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