Popstars
If You Can't Dance

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
You Won't Be Dancin', Yeah

We cut to the Miami auditions. "Others might be nervous," the narrator tells us, "but not Petagay Rowe. Born in the West Indies, Petagay has been dancing all her life, and now works as a professional choreographer." Judging from Petagay's aggressive dancing, she must choreograph the Dolphins' Touchdown celebrations. We see Petagay's day one audition. The narrator tells us that she "spiced up" her audition with dance moves, but it really looks like she's just got a weak neck that her head keeps wobbling around on. Petagay's dancing looks strikingly like the motions I make when Billy Blanks tells me to go "double time."

Oh, sweet Alexandra Bachelier. The narrator tells us that Alexandra "moves to a different beat. Her style is more sensual." She looks incredibly embarrassed to have to shake her hips this way. We're told that she was shy starting from day one at the auditions. Flashback to Alexandra singing and the covering her ears when the judges were making their final decisions. Split-screen to Alexandra (who recently dyed her hair darker) telling us that she freaked out because she didn't think she was going to make it. The narrator tells us that Alexandra will have to overcome her tendency to "hold back" if she wants to "stand out" from the others. Alexandra does this by shoving both arms over her head and jutting her ass out. Good job, Alex.

Molly Zimpfer, twenty-three, New York City. We've never seen her before. She's got years of New York dance experience, we're told, and we can see the evidence with the way Molly can throw her leg up so high she's practically kicking herself in the forehead. She does this roundhouse kick over and over and over again, with the same leg. Jaymes and Jennifer, relegated to sitting on the floor in the corner, tell each other that they think Molly is a little "streeter," which is a word Jaymes has just invented to sound hip. Jennifer says that Molly can dance and has an interesting way of moving. I don't know. She's pretty and I covet her "Angel" tank top, but other than that, she's just a pretty blonde dancer. Don't give me someone Week Three and expect me to wish them success instantly.

Oh, man. Baby "Put Her In the Corner" Norman is back. So is the Scarytwin, and Ivette "But She's So Cute!" Sosa. Jangela snaps once. Shiny Happy Kelley sasses around and shows us her large collection of back tattoos. Kerrie "Christian Makeover" Roberts has worn a full t-shirt to the callbacks, which was a bad idea. Narrator: "While prior experience is helpful, the judges are looking for potential as much as ability." Aaliyah's "Try Again" is playing in the background, which is what I'd tell most of these girls to do, anyway.

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