Popstars
If You Can't Dance

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B | Grade It Now!
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You Won't Be Dancin', Yeah

We watch the four of them argue and plead and toss around pictures of the girls like trading cards, lumping them together and clipping them off until the narrator tells us that they narrowed it down to twenty-six girls. We're told that after the commercial, we'll find out which twenty-six made it. We cut to Jaymes calling Christina Petty. Christina's sitting on a couch, and her walls are decorated with painted handprints. Because that's class, y'all. Christina shoves her hand into her crotch and leans back into it as the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun take over.

I momentarily stop my recapping here to watch the Super Bowl Halftime show. Now that I've seen the crack of Britney Spears's ass, I think I'm a better person.

They've split the names up among Travis and the Hyphentwins. We have shots of the three of them dialing numbers on their speakerphones. Some girls have offered to let Popstars camera crews into their apartments to film the verdict, assuming that their chances of getting in are higher if they're gonna be taped.

We cut to a group of girls standing in a living room listening to the phone ringing. The girl's mother leans over and answers it. Her daughter stands behind her with her hands on her head. Travis says he's calling for a girl named Keitha Lind. We've never met Keitha Lind before. She takes the phone from her mother. Travis asks how he's doing and she says she's really nervous. He asks why she'd be nervous. She says she doesn't want to hear the answer. She does, but she doesn't. He asks her to the workshop. Keitha Lind covers her mouth, says "Oh, my God!" a few times, and starts making shocked noises. She starts screaming and thanking him as Travis laughs. She hugs one of her friends as the others clap.

We flash back to Alexandra Bachelier dancing at the callbacks. Travis calls her. He asks her to the callback. She thanks him and repeats "oh, my God!" seventeen times. Travis laughs as Alexandra starts having an orgasm on the phone. Someone tell her this isn't part of the audition process. Travis applauds.

We cut to Bea's audition. We're reminded of the lucky tube top again. Jennifer, always with the dirty tasks, has to call her up. She starts telling Bea that this was a really hard decision and that they thought she was really talented and wonderful and blah, blah, blah cutcakes. Bea is clearly unhappy, but thanks her anyway. Jennifer thanks her back, laughs, and thanks her again for her hard work. Jennifer wishes her good luck, Bea makes a noise like, "Thanks for nothing!" and Jennifer hangs up. She looks at us and says, "That was probably my hardest one. That's the hardest one I have to do. I feel so bad."

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