Tommy Antico, eighteen, Detroit, MI. Damn. I liked it more when they told us what they did for a living. How else would I have learned about Nicole being a Karaoke DJ? That's priceless knowledge, people. Anyway, Tommy's wearing giant shells around his neck and a green sleeveless shirt. His hair is short and curly, with much gel. It's hard to tell, but I think they're singing Joe's "I Wanna Know." Nothing special. Nothing interesting. We're only getting five seconds for each auditioner, here.

Jose Gonzalez, twenty-two, Lancaster, PA. I can't recognize these songs the men are singing. Jose has no hair. He looks sleepy.

Hana McGrath, nineteen, Roslyn Heights, NY, holds one note and commands no attention.

Christina Cataldo, twenty-two, Greenport, NY, should have stayed at home or should have put her hair up or something that made her look like she wasn't the yearbook editor. And hey, I was the assistant editor, so I'm allowed to say that.

Daniela Soto, twenty-three, New York, NY, has fake hair, fake age, no eyebrows, and a scary face. She's hardly wearing a t-shirt as the narrator explains to us that these people are singing actual songs that were previously recorded by successful pop stars and now they're using these songs as auditioning tools. Everyone understand? Great. Two of the songs are Nelly Furtado's "I'm Like a Bird" and Joe's "I Wanna Know." This girl's singing Christina's "All I Want Is You."

The judges confer. Jaymes thinks #1 doesn't suck entirely, and #2 has a "cute personality" and seems to know how to keep a beat. Jaymes tells them that it's not an easy choice, but that they're not going to have any of them back. Next!

Sharra Dade, twenty-one, Brooklyn, NY, receptionist. This year's Alexis. She tells us that she's already got a popstar name, so she's just waiting to be made into one. The narrator informs us that Sharra has already won several local talent contests. I turn to my roommate and belt out "How Lovely To Be a Woman" from Bye, Bye, Birdie and he pins a ribbon to my chest. I'm a local winner too, Sharra. Take that. She sings "All I Want Is You" in a painful way. She's hurting inside, you know? In a split screen, she informs us that it's important to look like you're emotional and capable of feeling feelings while you sing so that people know that you're alive. Then they'll enjoy watching you perform and enjoy you enjoying yourself. Her words, not mine. Crapcock tells Jaymes that he thinks Sharra doesn't suck. Jaymes is all, "Did you see her, how she looked in the monitor? She looked mean." Jaymes, the monitor is on you, girl. Not Sharra. Jaymes backs down and tells the guys that if they like her they can invite her back. Crapcock says that Sharra's got a "decent" voice. Jaymes cuts in to say that "decent" just isn't enough, but Tony talks over her and invites Sharra back. Sharra screams and walks back and forth a few times.