I'm Like a Turd! I Will Not Flush Away!

Episode Report Card
Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
Smells Like Teens Sucking

Charles Kaufman, twenty-one, Laguna Niquel, CA, is reading the words off a piece of paper like he's delivering a speech. There's no singing and he doesn't know the song anyway. I can't even tell what he's singing. Jaymes stops him and asks if he knows the song. He admits he doesn't know it, and he's never heard it before. "It shows," Jaymes spits.

Y'all. Christopher Crevatas, twenty-five, from Ringwood, New Jersey is not kidding the fuck around, here. He starts screaming out the words to "I Wanna Know" and rips open his shirt. Everyone laughs but he's lost in his boy-band glow. Hysterical. His voice is all over the place and it's like Just Jack finally got his audition.

Her name is Mary Meghan Pawley. She's nineteen and from Goodyear, Arizona. She explains to us that we can just call her "Nebula" because she's a star in the making. Got it? Great. She's a scary Trekkie kind of girl with her severe hair and her white, puffy face and her incredibly piercing opera song that she's decided to sing. Mommy? I'm scared. She's going to hurt someone. Wait. That's "All I Want Is You"? Jaymes stops her, and Nebula shouts, "Yes!" No!

Jeffrey Pigula, twenty-four, from Poughkeepsie, NY, has never heard of the song "All-Star." Or if he has, he decided to sing it like it's the theme from "Beverly Hillbillies." The voice is low. The facial hair is pure D&D. He's like Glark but with some hair problems. See, if he just cleaned himself up and stopped talking, he could be as cool as Glark! Damn. Poor Jeffrey. He may never learn that. Wait. They just got closer-up. Never mind. I'm totally wrong. This guy looks like Templeton from Charlotte's Web. Sorry, Glark. You're much better-looking. ["Glark wants you to know he's so cool, he's playing Counterstrike at 5 AM. And, uh, I'm so cool I'm editing this recap at 5 AM." -- Wing Chun]

Okay. The entire hour has been for this moment right here. Tyrregginald Harris, twenty-four, from Chicago, IL. It's as if he let me make up his name, isn't it? Tyrregginald is wearing a big ol' red sweatshirt and acid-washed black jeans. He tries to sing a song, but he forgets the words. He takes a second and starts again. He stops. It's an uncomfortable silence. Tyrrreggggginnnalldldld stands there long enough for us to go, "Uh," when all of a sudden he starts moving like electric currents are shooting through his body. Please, Hammer, don't hurt 'em! He's moving back and forth, wiggling around, freaking the hell out. Tony's like, "What the hell is that guy doing?" And then all of a sudden, as quickly as it started, Tyrerreggidggdindadsdlldldd stops moving, bends backwards and starts moving his arms through the air like he's in The Matrix. I watched it nine times. It never, ever, ever stops being funny. The best is while he's freaking out all dancing around, there's one girl in the audience all, "Woo!" and you know she turned and was like, "That's my baby, right there!" Man. I'm gonna rewind and watch it again. Hold on. Fuck, that's funny. Jaymes all off-camera all, "Thank you." Hee. Heeeeeeeee. Tyrrrregggggginnnnnnnallllllllddddddddd, you so crazy.

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