I'm Like a Turd! I Will Not Flush Away!

Episode Report Card
Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
Smells Like Teens Sucking

It's time for Christopher DiCristo, twenty-one, from Medford, NJ. He's small. He wears camouflage. He's got spunk. Unfortunately, he's also got stage fright. He starts singing and stops. He goes back for the lyrics on the ground, and the judges tell him it's okay to use the lyrics. He screws up again and says that he worked hard and they can't hold this against him. Jaymes says they can and they will and tell him that he can stop now. Chris says he's not done and that he's been singing since he was.... "Thank you," they say, and tell him to take his place. Christopher is pissed, and persistent. When the judges tell all of them to leave, Christopher shouts that he knows the song now. They tell him it's too late. He starts singing it anyway, barreling towards them, making me shout, "Security!" His voice is everywhere and crazy loud. He's small and he's going to shoot someone someday. He starts to cry and says he got nervous. They tell him that he had his chance and it's over now, and that Christopher can't just choke in the important situations because eventually he'll have to perform and "be on television" and they can't afford to have him get nervous. People are laughing at him in the background. Jaymes tells him to leave.

Out in the lobby, Chris is crying, telling us that he got nervous. He says he's been singing for a long time. He says he could have done it and he went back up but they told him it was too late. He wishes he could do it again. He looks up with his tears and he says, "And I told them to remember my name. And it's Chris DiChristo." He walks off crying.

The narrator: "The judges left broken hearts in Washington, but also soaring spirits." Is that even a sentence? Montage of celebrating strangers. God, is this almost over? I'm dying, here. Fifty-one people get a callback. Some guy is on his cell phone singing, "I made it!" Douche.

Hello, Alexandra. We'll see you and your crying, puffy, shaking face when we get back from commercial and head to Miami.

Jaymes decides to walk through the line in Miami. They're all waiting on the beach. Some group got pizza delivered. Jaymes finds one girl who keeps singing "Say My Name" to the camera in her bikini. Jaymes shouts, "The judge is over here!" The girl briefly looks at Jaymes, and then back at us.

Fairuza Balk is having hard times, y'all. She's in Miami begging to be seen by a Popstar judge.

Jillion Schulz, eighteen, Cocoa Beach, FL, tells us that she's made friends here overnight. The narrator tells us that Jillion has been singing since she was two, performing since she was five, and made her first recording at eight. She sings very well, but she's not exactly pretty. This year's Christian singer who will drop out? Probably. But judging from the blue shimmer eye shadow, it won't be Jesus that makes Jillion have to drop out. Jaymes stops her and says that the singing was really nice, but that she was completely singing to herself, with her eyes shut. She tells Jillion that she has to have her eyes open and perform. Jillion says she didn't want to make them uncomfortable. They call her back and warn her again to keep her damn eyes open. I hate Jaymes. Jillion celebrates in the lobby, immediately forgetting what Jaymes told her.

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