Popstars
I'm Like a Turd! I Will Not Flush Away!

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Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Smells Like Teens Sucking

Matt Pieper from Sweetwater, NJ was seventeen when Popstars was auditioning in New York. He was turned away, but turned eighteen last week, so he flew down to Miami to audition. Too bad his singing doesn't match his determination. He looks like Sloth with blonde hair. They don't call him back.

Alexandra Bachelier is now nineteen. We see her sobbing face shake and then turn toward a wall. Again. She tells us that she's lost fifteen pounds since last year. She's smiling and laughing. She's tanner and her hair is now orange. She says she's been working on her body and her dance. "I'm really proud of myself and I think a lot of confidence." Whatever that means. Jaymes says they recognize her from last year. Alexandra cuts in to say she has to prove herself. Jaymes agrees that she does. Some guy wolf whistles inappropriately. Alexandra says there was one thing she was lacking last year that she's not lacking now, and that one thing is the thing that is confidence and self-esteem. Alexandra: less talking, less crying, more dancing. Wash off that purple eye shadow and grow real eyebrows. Just a few tips there. She sings, and her belly button looks like it's about to sing along with her. It's a strange shape. They call her back and tell her that she sang well. "I'm coming back!" Alexandra taunts everyone in the lobby.

Good Christ, it's over. It's over. Six thousand people are down to three hundred. Montage of strangers over a song I've never heard. I don't care. It's fucking over. People are celebrating and hugging. Smiles and kisses and tears. Butt-crack girl spins again. Alexandra shouts again.

Next week people are going to sing and scare us. A Britney lookalike says she can mold herself into whatever they want, whether it's Britney or Jessica. They ask if she's proud that she doesn't have her own identity. She says that if they don't like what she looks like, they can make her look like someone else. There's your answer.

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Popstars

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