I'm Like a Turd! I Will Not Flush Away!

Episode Report Card
Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
Smells Like Teens Sucking

The narrator reminds us that this is an experience nobody's going to be able to forget, as we watch girls and guys moan and twist for the camera.

Another montage. A girl cheers and jumps into someone's arms. Another girl tries to cry as she tells us she's really heartbroken. A guy smiles and tells us his audition was really nerve-wracking. One girl spins with her jacket in her arms behind her. We cannot see her face, but we can almost see her butt-crack. Spin, Butt-Crack Girl. Spin. A girl holds some guy whose face is in a full grimace as he tells us he thinks he did a good job and now it's hard because he has to go home. He's bawling because he knows he's going to get his ass kicked when he gets back to Toledo.

Aw, man. Alexandra's back. You know what that means? I gotta watch that footage of that girl crying and shaking her head again. Over and over. Again. They did this to me on purpose. She tells us she's not letting anyone get in her way this time. Whatever.

Another girl cries and tells us, "He said, 'Less is more.' And I can't do less!" Hee. She's all offended because she can't be any less than she is. She is simply all that and can't be any less than that. Hysterical.

Six cities held auditions this year: New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Washington, D.C., Chicago, and Miami. Because everyone knows the real singing talent comes out of San Francisco. Sorry, Texas!

The narrator over-enthusiastically tells us that the success of the show brought in more people for the auditions than they ever expected. Judging from this line, most people ignored the fact that you had to be under twenty-five to audition. We see all of the auditioners who have lined up the night before to hold their places. One guy tells us that he can't be seen on television because he called in sick to work for the audition. I guess he's assuming he won't make it past this round, then? Another girl tells us that this is like a big slumber party.

The narrator informs us that only a few hundred hopefuls will get called back. One guy cries, holds his head, and tells us that he got nervous. A redhead says that it's intense in the audition room. The narrator continues to explain that they can't have a few hundred people in the group, so only a handful of them will get to go to Los Angeles to continue the audition process. I love that the shot of "Los Angeles" is three stores on Sunset Boulevard, right next to The Coffee Bean. We watch the people who make it, in their workshop. I already recognize a couple of people from this first episode, but I'll keep my mouth shut. The narrator tells us that they still can't have this many people in the group, so they'll cut even more, and they'll go home "heartbroken." Shots of people "heartbroken." Are y'all getting this? Does it all make sense? Do we need to explain it again? Don't worry. They will. Twice a week for thirteen weeks. The narrator tells us that eventually it will only be the best people left. The "best people" are represented by one woman who kicks her leg so high I can see into her vagina, and a boy in cornrows who points to himself and sing-songs that he's going to be a Popstar. The narrator tells us that the ones who are left will form a "new supergroup" with "glamorous lives" as "Popstars" where they live in a "spectacular house." That sentence is much more fun if you say it in your Dr. Evil voice. "It all starts tonight." The narrator's trying to pump us up! "Real kids. Real talent. A real shot at the top." Translation: "Real people pretending to be younger than they are. Really sad attempts at fame and fortune that make you shake your head and wonder why humans have such a fighting instinct sometimes. A real shot to become a laughingstock or a mediocre manufactured boy-girl band in a world that wants another manufactured pop group like they want another album by Enya." ['That's the second time you've dissed Enya in a recap this month. She's going to find you and kick your ass new-age style." -- Wing Chun]

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