I'm Like a Turd! I Will Not Flush Away!

Episode Report Card
Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
Smells Like Teens Sucking

Oh, look at that. The Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun are now the Tiny Squares of Girls, Boys, Fun, et al. Welcome to Popstars 2: Battery-Operated Boogaloo (Some Assembly Required).

New York. The DJ from Z100 babbles on about the process, and the show, and basically says the same thing I just said over the past three pages. I think I just saw a guy who went to my college. A girl has her hair in clips and pins. She explains to us that she can look ugly overnight while she waits, and then tomorrow at her audition she will be beautiful.

Security has to hold back hos and bitches using megaphones and brute force. ["The security is using megaphones and brute force, not the hos. I assume. I was watching Survivor" -- Wing Chun] It's hard to explain to one blonde what a "line" is. She's like, "Where's the line? Where's the line? Liar. I don't see any coke around." Oh, I see. They've just given the DJ the lines the narrator would normally say, so I don't harsh on the narrator as much. Okay, Mr. DJ. I get it. I'll cut you some slack. You already have enough sadness, what with your career choice of being a professional tool. Boys babble about being tired and wanting to do their best. I'm bored. The narrator cuts in here to piss me off: "The auditioners know their mission today is to wow the judges." Three girls sing.

A girl announces: "It's the black Beemer." The car in question holds the three judges. They are shocked by the line for auditions. You may remember one-half of the Hyphen-Twin powers: Jaymes Foster-Levy, bitch woman extraordinaire. You need to meet our other two. (Travis! I miss you!)

Tony Michaels looks like Travis, but without any of the fun (so far). He's a choreographer, and he's worked with J. Lo on her "Play" video. They say he choreographed the *NSYNC No Strings Attached tour. I thought that kid Wayne did that. Oh, well. Lance Bass comes on my screen now and says something about Tony, but I can't hear what he's saying because LANCE IS SO DREAMY AND HE'S TOTALLY HOT WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Okay, the other guy is Brad "Riprock" Daymond. He's a producer and songwriter, and half of "Riprock and Alex G." I'm sure those guys make money, but their name sounds like some crap DJ thing your parents would book at your fifteenth birthday party where Riprock's dressed like an alien and Alex G. just hits on all of your friends, boasting that he owns his own car. Riprock. Whatever. Is it too early for me to rename him Crapcock? No? Cool. Crapcock gives us his philosophy: "My strong focuses are star quality. You know. A good voice and a great attitude. And the ability to show that you are a team player." Right. The narrator tells us that Crapcock wrote tracks that won't be released from *NSYNC's Celebrity, something Britney did that we never have heard of, and something that we'll never hear on the upcoming Michael Jackson album. Those things are with his partner, not on his own. Solo, we'll just see, won't we, Crapcock?

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