Popstars
I'm Like a Turd! I Will Not Flush Away!

Episode Report Card
Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Smells Like Teens Sucking

"All-American" Dorothy calls her mother and explains in perfect Polish that she made it to the callbacks. Hysterical. Lian makes her mother guess, and then tells her she got a callback. She starts laughing before she finishes, knowing how silly it is. She tells her mother that she probably won't be going to med school if she gets in. She's all, "I know you're all upset about it." Then she's all, "Isn't it great?" She tells us that her mother is speechless, but we just know that her mother has stabbed herself in the stomach with a sharp object.

Jackie's sister "Vanessah" is up aftah the commericah. She's gonna sing "Say My Name." That girl's got a lot of hair. Lots of it.

Can't they release Harry Potter faster? You know, on account of the war and all? I don't need Lance Bass telling me that his movie is going to help the wartime effort when there's a perfectly good Harry Potter movie just sitting in the can.

The Popstars interactive trivia game informs us that 39% think that guys will bring more sex appeal to the show. You can now carry on with your lives.

Vanessa didn't get to audition last year because she was too young. Damn, are we still in New York? What day is it? Jackie's already got his callback. Will Vanessa? She's eighteen, singing "Say My Name." She sounds a little Chipmunk-y.

Lindsay O'Connell, nineteen, Milltown, NJ, is singing a song that sounds like Cole Porter wrote it. She also looks like she can't breathe. She's all hunched forward, lurching towards the judges. She's got braces and a halter top.

Danielle Raffa, twenty, Suffern, NY is making us all Suffern. Yes, I may have stolen that joke from Sex and the City, but she's stolen her look from the two Toris. Crapcock tells Jaymes that girls would want to be like Vanessa because she's "trendy and cool." They call her back, but not the other two ladies. Outside, Jackie picks her up and spins her. "Brotha Sistah Baby!" he yells at us. "We both did it!" Vanessa laughs from inside her noogie.

Travis Barr-Longo, twenty-one, Cazenovia, NY, will be good for a few laughs. His grandmother paid for his trip out here. He takes his audition spot and starts speaking in Spanish about how happy he is to be there. He's a singing waiter, y'all. I can't tell what song he's singing. In a split-screen, he tells someone on his cell phone that he went in speaking Spanish and that he told them, "Many kisses from a Spice Boy." I love him. The real Travis would have loved him. I miss Travis.

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