Jackie Has Issues, Y'all

Episode Report Card
Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
Cry, Little Sister

First is Moi and Tenia. We don't hear Tenia. Moi's voice is warbly.

Miredys Peguero is still a stranger to us. So is Corey Clark. The two strangers sing, and I refuse to recap them since we'll never know anything about them anyway.

Jayzeel and Shannon sing. They're fine.

Greg and Laurie are together. I like Laurie's singing voice. She tells us that she didn't feel all that confident when she was dancing. How come her voice isn't so annoying anymore? She says she thinks she did better on the singing. Crapcock asks Greg and Laurie to sing "less Broadway" and more street. Doesn't that sound like "Don't sing so good; moan like Britney"? They do it again, and I'm sure it's just as Broadway. Greg can't help it, y'all. Crapcock doesn't say a word.

Jillion and Donavan are grooving to their own beats. Jillion just points in the air like she's Christina, but we don't hear her sing.

StripperKatie's strong point is definitely not singing. Josh falls to the ground and screams, "Aah!"

Sharra Dade is so out of here. Tom Tusler, too. It's not fair that they're paring up the people who don't have a chance so that they have even less of a chance. They can't even fade into the background of someone great. When Sharra and Tom stop singing horribly, Jaymes tells them that she's not believing what they're singing. I can't believe it either, Jaymes, but you flew them to L.A. "Your vocal performance has to match the intensity of the lyric of the song," she says. The narrator reminds us that Tom's just a big ol' jock who can pick up dance steps easily. They sing it again, and Sharra focuses all of her intensity into pointing one finger and singing with a lisp. Tom's intensity is focused in his determined squint and one extended thumb. Again, Crapcock doesn't say anything.

Michael and Kim sing. Crapcock stops them and asks them to project and emote and sing like they're performers. He wants them to sing it like he wrote it. He wants to hear his song in their mouths. Like he wrote more than 15% of the song. They sing it again as Michael tells us in a split screen that he feels okay about his audition, but you know he wishes he wasn't paired with Pukey Jones the quitter. Kim tells us that she thinks she did okay in the singing and she hopes the puke thing doesn't kill her. The kids stop singing and Jaymes all but falls to her knees in tears rejoicing. Everyone has to applaud, even though they all hate Kim.

Everyone's finished, and PseudoTravis makes everyone applaud for themselves. Jackie's pouty.

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