Mad, mad, crazy props to Jennifer Kelly for sending along a tape of the pilot when all of Los Angeles conspired to make sure I couldn't see it.
I am the Yin and the Yang of The WB. Gilmore Girls on Thursdays, and now Popstars on Fridays. I am the Estrogen queen. I can do anything.
My one regret here is that I can't stick in audio clips. This is my regret, not yours. You should get down on your knees immediately and thank the web for allowing you only to have to read about these wretched noises that are coming out of my television. I'm telling you about it now so you can add years to your life span. I know, I'm so nice, aren't I?
Uh, first of all, I'm in love with the logo for Popstars. I wish it was mine.
We open to several clips of the hidden final Popstars dancing before an excited girlie crowd. We're immediately "treated" to a voice-over: "To thousands of girls, this is their dream." We see incredibly made-up teens smiling and shrieking. Signs of "fame" flash on the screen. One happy girl holds a camera and waves. The sign for the "Roxy" flashes by. Another sign that just says "Sunset." A close-up on a girl getting blue eye shadow applied to her face. A zoom in on the sign for the Viper Room. Because, as we all know, the best places to go catch the latest boy or girl pop band are the Roxy and the Viper Room. Stick around after Boyzone this Thursday night at the Viper Room for the wet t-shirt contest. All slippery pre-teens get two-dollar Buttery Nipple shots. The Hollywood sign is superimposed over a distant shot of five girls dancing and singing onstage as the voice-over finishes: "And for five of them, this is their chance." We cut to an Asian girl saying, "I'm 'onna be a superstah!" We cut to another girl with tears running down her face saying, "I just want this so bad." You know these clips from the previews. We cut to another girl who looks exactly like Beyoncé from Destiny's Child. She's being "consoled" by someone as she looks up at the heavens and says, "I've been waiting for this all my life. All my life. All my life." We fade out on her mantra as I start to realize that recapping this pilot might, in fact, take all my life. Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun fill the screen until we get the title screen again as the voice-over tells us, "Girls everywhere dream of being pop stars."
Close-up on a girl applying makeup. She looks at us and says, "If I got it, I'd have somebody do this for me. Like Britney." Well, if you do hire Britney to do your makeup, girlie, you might want to have her draw on some eyebrows for you. You plucked all of them away and you look like that dude in The Wall.