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Shut Up, Maile

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Pamie: F | Grade It Now!
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I Hate You Guys So Much

The girls sit in a semi-circle to the left of Shoshana. Some woman sits at the end of the row but we don't get to know who she is. This is hard because poor Shoshana is just a kid and is probably our youngest reality show subject and I don't want to hurt the girl in case she reads this but... must...keep...snarking. I'm going to teach you how to talk like Shoshana before I tell you her first question. We'll use her name to learn how she talks. Pretend you're Carol Channing. Now pretend you're Carol Channing with your mouth wired shut. Now, pretend you're five. And you just learned how to read. Ready? Shhhhooowww-SHHHHAAAAHH-Naaaaaaahhhh. Good. Okay, here's her first question. Do it in singsong or you're missing out on the fun. And kind of like you're a kid on Reading Rainbow. "How did you feel when the judges told you that you made the group?" Hee.

Because they don't want to waste time with ShhhhShShshhsha-sha-na-na's-my-favorite-group, they go straight into a split screen with Ana Maria saying how special it was to meet her. She says that Shoshana was so quiet and looked around at everyone. On the other side of the split screen, Shoshana's staring at Maile with a face that clearly says, "Man, you are much skankier in person. What a gyp." Ana Maria says that she was shy like that when she was Shoshana's age.

Always the angel, Maile opens her stupid maw with: "She was so enamored by us and who we were that it felt like, 'Oh my gosh.' There is a girl out there. There's probably a hundreds [sic] or thousands, I don't know how many there are. But, this was our first taste of it, and the fact that she got to interview us and ask us questions made her day." You're so beautiful, Maile.

Then Maile is all ordering Shoshana around, all, "LOOK AT ME." She's all up in poor Shoshana's face, pointing her fingers in her eye. We can't hear all of the crap coming out of Maile's mouth, but she's very excited about all of it. The narrator is telling us that all of the girls took some one-on-one time with Shoshana.

Fucking Maile. In a split screen Maile spills all of Shoshana's secrets. "I'm like, 'Do you like high school?' And she's like, '[incredibly long unnecessary silence] No.' And she wouldn't look at me and I was like, she was like [goes into horrible whiny voice], 'Nobody likes me,' and she started giving me this speech." Nice. Thanks for ruining the rest of this girl's high school career, Maile. Shut up before you make her have to stay home for prom. Maile keeps talking, so they cut to her all soapboxed up: "I remember what it's like to be in high school! And to not feel like a million bucks. You know? It takes time to grow into yourself. It takes time to become who you are. Being fourteen is not the easiest thing in the world." Shut. Up. Maile.

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