Popstars
Shut Up, Nicole

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Pamie: F | Grade It Now!
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When Will the Fans Stop Screaming, Clarice?

Unfortunately the girls immediately begin lip-synching to "What's Good For the Goose Is Good For the Gander," and since none of those young girls have ever heard the song, no one can sing along. The just clap and dance. Hello, Ivette. I know you think you look pretty, but nobody is supposed to actually wear yellow eye shadow. That's only there as a joke.

Hee. Little Old Lady Friend might have a stroke during the concert. I think her hair is a wig. You can't achieve a Golden Girls look under the age of ten naturally, can you? The girls keep lip-synching. Some "fan" has painted her face in lipstick. Some fans are paid to stand on the other side of a pane of glass and cheer. There are some older men that hide when the cameras come around. Someone is wearing a Burger King crown.

Maile gets a split screen: "When I went on that stage and fifteen hundred people [scream it, baby] were all staring up at the stage looking at us. Screaming. There were girls crying in the audience. There is nothing you can prepare yourself for for that. Nothing." I wish Maile liked something.

Some little girl in a stupid cowboy hat screams at the camera. The girls lip-synch. The audience is starting to get tired of screaming. A girl old enough to know better has worn a lime green jacket and lined her eyes in eyeliner so thick she's almost wearing a disguise. The girls finally finish the song and the audience freaks out. Vince Vaughn is somehow in the audience, and he hides his face behind his hand. Nicole gives a "Namaste" bow to the audience. People touch Ana Maria. Rosanna thanks the crowd for coming out and we cut to an older girl who was obviously just laughing at how dumb all of this is, but they cut it so it looks like she's in tears. The girls introduce themselves. Someone's walking around onstage. Maile thanks everyone that came out. "Especially the fans!" Maile must have thought she was giving an acceptance speech.

The girls go into their Boyz II Men ballad. Some of the audience wave their hands in the air. Some scream. Some wonder how much longer they contractually have to stand there.

Oh, man. Nicole is crazy drugged up. Her eyes are all glassy and they've put some sort of smelling salts on her to keep her awake. She says, "I remember being onstage and feeling at home. And I remember my whole body felt so warm. And I wanted to make eye-contact with every single person out there just to say, 'Thank you so much for being here.'" Man, I want some of her drugs.

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