Popstars
Shut Up, Nicole

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Pamie: F | Grade It Now!
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When Will the Fans Stop Screaming, Clarice?

Jenny looks out the limo window and sees "all these girls," I guess waiting outside. "I feel so happy," she says. Her two friends have been distracted by the intensity of their shoelaces.

The girls are in their limo singing and singing. Does anyone like that "Good for the Gander" song? Man, that's some dumb songwriting right there. How can you sing "What's good for the goose is good for the gander" with a straight face?

The girls are all trying to pump themselves up before walking out into this "massive crowd." They're all telling each other they're going to be just fine. They all put on their puffy silver jackets so they look like MTV Moonmen. "I love you guys," Ivette says, but no one answers her back. Nicole tells us in a split screen (she's wearing her blue flower and puka shells), "Everything just happened so fast. This whole world. This whole, like, little Popstars world. It all just happens fast. And I know this is just the beginning."

Paid fans hold up a handmade sign saying they love Nicole. They say, "We love you, Nicole," like they're pissed they got the bitchy one.

The Sam Goody lady working the counter on this unfortunate day tells us that they gave away "fifteen hundred" ("AAAAUGH!") wristbands and she could have "easily given away another three or four thousand." Does it count as "giving away" if you have to throw them off a roof and hope that someone picks one up off the street?

Some extras are late, and the narrator tells us that the crowd "grows bigger by the minute." They must have been told they'd be on TRL, because they've brought signs. It must not be a school day or it's a field trip or something because this place is packed with kids.

Some poor girl finally gets her big break on the WB with this monologue: "You don't understand. I've been waiting for this, I bought their CD Tuesday at nine o' clock in the morning! I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up at two in the morning, singing and dancing -- 'Get over yourself, goodbye!'" Her friends next to her have the following inner dialogue: "We hate her." "She's so annoying." "I can't believe she dragged us here." "God, she's retarded." "Oh, no. She danced. Now we have to watch this episode in addition to having to come to this stupid in-store performance." "I can't believe she wore that tiny pink belly shirt. Don't let me forget to buy the Outkast CD, okay?" "Huh? Sorry, I'm going into a coma." "Hey, good idea."

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