This concert's so bad it's best just to do it like you're ripping off a Band-Aid. Here we go.
We start with lyrics on the screen. It's the words to "School's Out." Then it's all, "Alice Cooper," like we've been reading Wordsworth. Shots of kids screaming at the camera. Tiny children cheer and jump in the air as the list of "performers" is read. The added bonus of this show is finding out the Teen Choice Awards nominees. Not the winners, just the nominees. Oh, man, it's hosted by those fucking Wayans brothers again.
Pamie: Oh no. What is this thing? This is The Teen Choice Awards?
Stee: I don't know what it is. Basically, we have no idea what we're recapping. "Shaggy. Shaq. Sisqo." This is going to be amazing.
Pamie: I'm so excited about the Teen Choice Funniest Moments.
Stee: Oh, the Marlon and Shawn Wayans. Last year, MTV Music Video Awards, this year Teenapalooza. What's next year?
Pamie: The Funniest Person in Kalamazoo Awards.
We're at Virginia Beach for this spectacle. There are 10,000 teens in attendance. The Wayans brothers are wearing their janitorial finest. A news ticker scrolls across the top of the screen, but we refuse to read it for you.
Stee: You know, we're the oldest people besides Shaggy to have to watch this show.
They go quickly with the Sisqo, and inform us that he's going to be singing his "new single." This translates as, "A song you've never heard before." And three seconds in, it's easy to see why you've never heard it before. Teens scream so loudly you can't really hear the song anyway, which I'm sure the producers are doing on purpose. Siqso is trotting around in his red denim outfit.
Stee: Have you noticed that upside-down visors are all the rage?
Pamie: Yeah. That's right.
Stee: My grandfather used to wear an upside-down visor, but not on purpose.
Pamie: Right. It generally means you're drunk or confused.
Teens put their hands in the air, but they don't try to touch him. Smart teens. Sisqo keeps going on long after the thrill of thongs songs are gone. He's joined by backup dancers, backup rappers, and fog machines, but it's still a boring-ass song. He does a one-handed cartwheel. Quit your day job, Sisqo.
Pamie: Oh man. From "Best New Artist" to opening for O-Town: Sisqo.
Stee: There are thirteen people actually watching.
Pamie: See those girls in the audience just chatting?
Stee: Is Sisqo, like, a rapper or a singer?
Pamie: He's one of those? I didn't think he was either.
Stee: You don't feel that Sisqo is a singer or a rapper?
Pamie: No. He's just a Sisqo. I guess I thought he was a rapper.
Stee: Where does he rap, then?
Pamie: "The Thong Song"?
Stee: There's no rapping. He's a singer. Remember on "The Wild Wild West"?
Pamie: Oh yeah.
Stee: Do you think on that song they told Stevie Wonder what the video he was shooting was for or they kept it from him?
Pamie: Do you think it's unhealthy that we know this much about Sisqo?
Stee: Yes. I had a 4.0 in college. Did you know that?
Pamie: And now?
Stee: I know a lot about Sisqo. Remember earlier today, I didn't know if Poland and Hungary were near each other? And meanwhile I know that Sisqo broke out on The Wild Wild West soundtrack.
Pamie: I used to be able to do calculus. And now I spent hours debating the new Janet versus the old Janet.
Stee: Are you talking about the old Janet, or the old, old, old Janet?
Pamie: Exactly. Look, it's all daytime. Sisqo is performing at like two o'clock in the afternoon.
Stee: Jamiroquai called. He wants his dance moves back.
Pamie: These kids' sugar highs are going to be done before the song is.
Stee: It's going to be their bedtime before Shaq comes out.
Pamie: Is Shaq done rapping?
Stee: I hope so. But I doubt it.
Pamie: Man, this is dumb. Whose idea was it that we do this?
Pamie: You owe me. It's only five minutes in and you already owe me.