This concert's so bad it's best just to do it like you're ripping off a Band-Aid. Here we go.
We start with lyrics on the screen. It's the words to "School's Out." Then it's all, "Alice Cooper," like we've been reading Wordsworth. Shots of kids screaming at the camera. Tiny children cheer and jump in the air as the list of "performers" is read. The added bonus of this show is finding out the Teen Choice Awards nominees. Not the winners, just the nominees. Oh, man, it's hosted by those fucking Wayans brothers again.
Pamie: Oh no. What is this thing? This is The Teen Choice Awards?
Stee: I don't know what it is. Basically, we have no idea what we're recapping. "Shaggy. Shaq. Sisqo." This is going to be amazing.
Pamie: I'm so excited about the Teen Choice Funniest Moments.
Stee: Oh, the Marlon and Shawn Wayans. Last year, MTV Music Video Awards, this year Teenapalooza. What's next year?
Pamie: The Funniest Person in Kalamazoo Awards.
We're at Virginia Beach for this spectacle. There are 10,000 teens in attendance. The Wayans brothers are wearing their janitorial finest. A news ticker scrolls across the top of the screen, but we refuse to read it for you.
Stee: You know, we're the oldest people besides Shaggy to have to watch this show.
They go quickly with the Sisqo, and inform us that he's going to be singing his "new single." This translates as, "A song you've never heard before." And three seconds in, it's easy to see why you've never heard it before. Teens scream so loudly you can't really hear the song anyway, which I'm sure the producers are doing on purpose. Siqso is trotting around in his red denim outfit.
Stee: Have you noticed that upside-down visors are all the rage?
Pamie: Yeah. That's right.
Stee: My grandfather used to wear an upside-down visor, but not on purpose.
Pamie: Right. It generally means you're drunk or confused.
Teens put their hands in the air, but they don't try to touch him. Smart teens. Sisqo keeps going on long after the thrill of thongs songs are gone. He's joined by backup dancers, backup rappers, and fog machines, but it's still a boring-ass song. He does a one-handed cartwheel. Quit your day job, Sisqo.
Pamie: Oh man. From "Best New Artist" to opening for O-Town: Sisqo.