Previously on Popular, Smug Bitch slept with Josh? Hm. Lucky boy. Except for the lucky part. Oh, Brooke and SB aren't friends any more. My heart is breaking. Or maybe it's just gas.

Okay, this episode opens with Brooke gazing all cow-eyed at the Blondes as they frolic on the football field, or track, or whatever they're calling those big pits of dirt these days. As she moons, this unbelievably cheesy guy smooths up to her, all, "They're nothing without you, like Blondie without Debbie Harry." Cough cough *blowjob* cough cough. What's he doing strolling down the bleachers like that, more self-assured than any teenage boy that I've ever met? Being a total sleaze, that's what. I'll bet money on it. He's Adam Rothchild Ryan, self-purported Non-Stalker. Brooke, when they SAY right off the bat that they're not stalkers, then they proceed to tell you your life story in ultra-flattering terms, you can bet your bottom dollar that they're stalkers with unrealistic expectations. I'm just saying. Okay, so blah blah blah, "What are you doing up here, Brooke?" Blah blah blah, "Feeling sorry for myself, trying to see if anyone would miss me if I hid from them, but they didn't so I'm a poor little motherless child, no wait make that a self-pitying sap. Boo. Hoo." Blah blah blah, "I know how you feel. I feel sorry for myself, too." They bond, exchanging a series of totally unmeaningful glances. Hm.

Cut to the Novak. Baldy (aka Adam Rothchild Ryan) is cheesing all over Mary Cherry in the bathroom, asking for her autograph. Um. Can someone PLEASE tell me why this bathroom is never populated by hordes of shrieking teenage girls whose lashes are gummed together with shoplifted mascara and whose Sharpie-markered hands busily chronicle their lives and loves on every available wall, trash can, and stall door? He looks at Brooke, who winks at him conspiratorially, then continues flattering the Blondes, telling them how hot they all are. WHO is this guy? Oh, he wants to be on the squad. Weird. Gender-appropriate theme this episode, I suppose. Yay for the brass at Popular, ever marching forward on important issues. Ahem. Well, of course the Blondes say no freaking way, then Mary Cherry tells him to wash her car. Ouch. Mary Cherry leaves her car keys in his hands as she snits away. I guess when you're that rich, you don't care if someone steals your car? Maybe she's so rich that she can start her car without her keys. Rich people can do anything, you know. One day I'll be rich, and then I'll be able to afford telekinesis and also mind-reading. But that's another story for another day. This story is about Brooke. And how Baldy is sucking up to her like a sucker-fish on one of those larger, more dangerous fish. In the girls' bathroom. Uninterrupted. Welcome to another episode of Popular.