Baby, Don't Do It!

Episode Report Card
Gustave: C | Grade It Now!
Baby, Don't Do It!

Sam and Brooke are sitting in chemistry class during those few extra moments before class starts, and before any of the other students have shuffled in. Brooke wants Sam to keep her move to San Francisco secret. Sam tells Brooke sternly that she's not really going anywhere. On one hand, Sam is in major denial and totally out of line -- who the hell does she think she is telling Brooke to choose Plain Jane over her own natural mother, when Brooke has been forthright from the very beginning about how much she misses Kelly? On the other hand, Sam is absolutely correct: Brooke isn't going anywhere. She's the fucking star of the show! I mean, remember when Shannon left 90210? People from Third World countries with no goddamn electricity knew that Shannon was feuding with Aaron Spelling and that her days were numbered on "the zip." But anyway, for the sake of suspension of disbelief (or whatever), let's just pretend that we've never seen a television show before and that Brooke may actually move. Oh God, mayhem at Kennedy High! My eyes! My eyes!

Memo to costume and hair people: Brooke looks boss right now in her black jeans and a pale aqua oxford-cloth shirt which seems to come from the boys department of Brooks Brothers. Her hair is also thankfully free of all the grease and "creative" "braiding" that plagued her 'do last year. When styling Brooke for future shows, please make note of her current look and try to recreate this as closely as possible, only without that zig-zag part. Thank you, Gustave.

The rest of the students shuffle in, and then finally Bio enters wearing a grey lab coat. ("Hey, um, I was just thinking that, uh, now that I'm in the credits and everything that maybe I could, you know, wear something besides a white lab coat, uh, I was just kinda thinking…") I just realized that it's probably not all that appropriate to call Bio "Bio" anymore because she's teaching chemistry this year, so from now on, I'm calling her Chem. Chem explains that she was watching "a raunchy teen music channel," which inspired her to give the class a special assignment. They cut to a reaction shot of Josh, which I guess is a shout out to Bryce Johnson's stint on MTV's Undressed. Now I have to confess here that I saw an episode of MTV's Undressed just a few weeks ago for the very first time, and frankly I found it to be so evil that I was having those weird thoughts that made me feel very old. Like, I was practically shaking my head and mentally writing one of my congressmen a letter in which I suggested a ban on suggestive television, curfews for teenagers, and mandatory school uniforms.

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